My Fear Of Want

• I fear things that I want

• When I want, I give up part of the control that I have over myself over to that thing

• By wanting something, I create a vulnerability. By not being able to control my emotions towards something, I allow it to manipulate my emotions.

• I fear the things that I want because they have the power to hurt me without my permission

• One possible reason why I (and why others may as well) push away both things and people that I care for and want is that they’re all vulnerabilities; they can all hurt me.

• I guess I’ve been hurt so bad that I feel like I can’t afford to have that happen again. I don’t know if I can survive another shattering of my soul, reality, and heart

• I believe this shattering has occurred twice the first was of course with her. The second was kind of a 2 parter. 2a was when I took a leave from school and 2b was when I dropped out of school entirely. These are my biggest failures and my biggest scars.

• These (her and school) are the main recurring dreams I have. I feel as though it means that these are the things that are weighing on my soul whether or not I’m thinking about them

• This fear of wanting and the pain that comes with it is why I get so anxious whenever it comes to getting into another relationship or in general self improvement.

• These are my two deepest wants

1. A genuine and mutual loving relationship with someone kind and intelligent.

2. Self improvement (and testing that improvement). I’m the type of person that always wants to improve, and gets uninterested when I feel like there’s nothing more I can do to improve myself or my surroundings.