Preface: Our Neglected Mental Health
Mental health is one if the most neglected aspects of our lives. It can only help to learn the warning signs and the healthy ways to address them, but the taboo nature of mental health introduces an unnecessary sphere of discomfort around the topic.
People are masters of ignoring things that make them uncomfortable. Instead of patching up the small cracks as they pop up, we wait until our mental health damn bursts – releasing the flood of inner turmoil; drowning us deep under the chasms of despair.
I have recently pulled myself from the abyss of depression. I’ve been doing a lot of self-reflecting, and I’m trying to apply my new life philosophy so that I can avoid the same old traps, and maybe help others avoid them too.
This anthology is inspired by recent conversations. Themes of self-reflection, vulnerability, and compassion tell a story of mutual growth. Our discussions have been enlightening as we answer each others’ questions and offer our perspectives.
These conversations provide a peak into my recovery from depression, and the lessons I’ve learned from it. Many answered questions and affirmed beliefs have come from these conversations, and I have grown.
I think many of us have similar questions, so I’ve decided to share. As you read, I hope that you feel like a participant in the conversation rather than an observer. And as a participant, that you receive some enlightenment as I have.
I hope you enjoy our conversation!
To Start
To start, her name is – – – – – – .
She was a few months younger,
And a few years wiser.
She was studying to be a nurse,
And you could really tell.
She had that confident caring to her.
She was kind to everyone,
But she had that
Self-respect and spunk
To not take shit from anyone.
A genuine compassion within,
She would always be drawn to care;
Guided by her heart to nursing,
A deeper connection more valuable
Than the salary of a doctor.
She didn’t want
To walk in,
Look at a clipboard,
And walk out.
She stayed,
To give the care
That can’t be put in a pill bottle.
A beautiful and kind heart – supported
By graceful skill and gentle confidence.
The world is brighter around her
A Conversation: Love, Hate, And Moving On
She sounds lovely!
I can see why you loved her. I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for the two of you.
It definitely hurt losing her, but the more I look back, the more I feel it was worth it. I learned so much from her when we were together, but even though we rarely saw each other after, it felt like she taught me even more after. She was gone, but she was still my inspiration.
I never really thought we’d get back together, but the only reason I ever improved myself was if by some miracle it did happen, I was going to be the best I could be for her. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Even though we didn’t get back together, I still realized she made me the best person I could be.
That’s such a mature outlook on things. I wish everyone looked at their previous relationships through this lens. I think there would be a whole lot less animosity. I know that not everyone can say the same about past relationships, but even just looking at the relationship as “what can I take with me from this” is really emotionally mature.
I’m glad that you were able to make improvements on yourself and that you were able to experience real love even if it didn’t end ideally.
That’s nice to hear.
For the longest time I felt like a pathetic love-sick kid, so hearing that I sound emotionally mature definitely means I’m going in the right direction.
I think part of moving forward is being able to talk about these experiences freely with gratefulness. It sounds like you’re able to do that really well.
Do you think you’ll ever share these with her?
Funny story, I just did.
Well I hope she responds well.
Me too, but I’m fine if not. Knowing that she’s seen them is more than I could have asked for a few days ago
That makes me happy to hear.
It’s kinda funny, but you saying that makes me happy too. It feels really good that my words and actions aren’t hurting those I care about anymore.
Do you believe that you were hurting other people with your actions outside of just her?
It was more that I knew people cared about me, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about myself. I remembered how I felt when those I loved were in pain, and I felt guilty because I could see the worry and pain in their eyes when I was with them.
I think that’s why I isolated myself from everyone. I couldn’t let myself hurt them. But now I realize I was being selfish, because that must have hurt them even more
That makes a ton of sense. I always wanted to ask you, but didn’t want you to feel as if I was guilting or condemning you. Thanks for helping me understand.
I’m sorry you felt like you needed to isolate yourself, I can’t imagine what that was like.
If you ever feel the urge to do it again, please let me know and I’ll remind you of these conversations.
Thanks! Hopefully I never do, but I’ll know I can go to you if I need.
¬
Also, I think she blocked me. I kinda expected it, because that’s a lot to drop on someone at one time. But I’m satisfied I was able to say everything that I wanted at one time
Interesting response. Did things end poorly between the two of you?
No, it was just one of those things that didn’t work out. There wasn’t a fight, and we never fought during our relationship. She just felt she needed space at the time, and I guess she just never needed to come back
That really sucks….
At least with a fight there’s something to kind of pin it on, but when things end civilly I think it makes it almost harder in some ways.
I applaud you for attempting to make amends. I have a hard time with relationships just ending. I like to know that even though I may not talk much or even at all with certain people, that we both respect and think fondly of each other. It’s a bummer when other people don’t desire that, too.That really was one of the hardest parts. I couldn’t be mad at her. I didn’t want to be. And even when I tried, it was never real anger. It was just me lying to myself.
I think it’s harder to end a relationship without anger, because anger is probably the closest to love in terms of its effects on us. It can fill the void left behind, at least partially. But without it, you’re just empty.
I’m really intrigued by your comment about anger being the closest thing to love. Can you expound upon that?
It’s kinda like the saying “two sides of the same coin.” Anger and love are birthed from the same base feeling, it’s just how you react to it. It’s impossible to ignore either emotion. They make you act.
I guess the base emotion is inspiration. Something to drive you forward. Something that affects you at such a base level that denying them is equivalent to denying your existence.
Ah. Thats deep. I’ve never thought about it from that perspective, but it makes a TON of sense.
It’s better to just not care. Feeling hate is saying that you care about them enough to devote your time and energy to them. And just like love, it must be expressed unless you want it to eat you from the inside. But unlike love, hate tends to be destructive to everyone involved.
But it’s important to know that hate isn’t bad. We need hate as much as love, it’s just that we need to be more careful with it. We should save our hate for injustice, cruelty, evil. It still will leave a scar, but at least you can be proud of that scar. That scar means you stood for something important.
How would you advise someone from stopping themselves from hating?
A lot of self-reflection and willpower. You have to learn what’s important to you, and you must feel satisfied with being the bigger person.
It feels good to hate in the moment, but it poisons you. It’s kinda like alcohol in that sense. A little is fine, and can even help sometimes, but addiction to it will lead to misery and an early death – whether that death be physical or emotional.
This is getting to a little different but related topic: there are three aspects of being/self: physical, mental, and spiritual. They all work together to make you who you are, and they each have their own health. To fight hate, you must be equally healthy in all three.
What’s difficult about hate, and even more so depression, is that it can start in one aspect of your being, and then spread and corrupt the others.
Yes! That reminds me of the bio/psycho/social/spiritual idea that we talk a lot about in counseling.
So would it be fair to say that your take on fighting hate is to actively attend to your whole self?
Most definitely.
It’s kinda like the idea “you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.”
The most difficult thing about staying fully healthy is that each aspect of being is more difficult to notice than the next.
Everyone can see when you’re physically unhealthy. Those close to you can see when you’re mentally unhealthy. But only you can truly know if you’re spiritually unhealthy. That’s why there’s so much suffering. We neglect our spirit until our body and mind fails.
I think I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. It’s helpful to gain another persons perspective on it.
I think I have been awfully tempted to hate recently and I want to be proactive about fighting it, but not entirely sure what that looks like. Well maybe I did, but I didn’t know how to put it into words.
I like how you put that. The “maybe I did” part.
I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit with how much we actually do understand about the universe, both inside and outside of us. I forget who it was, but a philosopher once said that we never really learn anything, but rather remember it.
That’s why I love poetry. You feel something in your spirit, you form the words in your mind, and then you bring it into the physical world when you write. Writing poetry let’s you adress all aspects of you in one action.
That’s a beautiful way of describing poetry.
That thought forces me to think about the things I enjoy in my own life and wonder if I invest time into anything that allows me to be connected to all parts of myself simultaneously.
I think you probably do; you just might not be aware of it. Also, if you ever need help with hate or anger, I’m always here to help.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I struggle with it in my personal life, but I’m realizing I also struggle with it in my professional life as well.
I know exactly what you mean. I definitely struggle, but I try to remember that they were once a child who was probably failed by those who were supposed to care for them.
When something bad happens to them, I try to feel remorse. Because I think it’s important that when you see someone who acts in a way you disagree with, that you don’t wish for pain and punishment for them, but rather that they’ll lead from their mistakes, and become the good person that everyone is able to be.
That’s funny that you say that. I was spending a lot of time today challenging my own thoughts, and one of the things I told myself to do was to picture one of my clients as a parent, and the likelihood of them causing their children pain is a lot greater just given their experiences.
I know people hold the capacity for change. Otherwise I wouldn’t be pursuing this kind of work. I think of some of my greatest failures and shortcomings and how desperate I was for grace and forgiveness… that helps
A Short Story Of A Long Journey
A journey towards self-awareness.
The reason it’s so hard to communicate with my other selves is that even though many of my selves are aware of each other, and we willingly share our thoughts, experiences, and memories together, looking at another self’s memory is much more difficult, almost like it’s blurry and faded.
Remembering a memory that was originally experienced by yourself appears closer to a video that I can rewind/ff/pause at will. However, trying to remember another self’s memory is a lot less complete. It doesn’t look like a video, but rather flashes of color, and maybe a picture that appears for only a moment if I’m lucky. It’s not really remembering the fine details of the experience, but rather a vague representation of feelings somehow related to the memory.
Because of this, I can’t really talk to my selves in words. Even if I find the perfect words to explain what’s going on, they’re too fine of a detail to be seen while going through another self’s memory. If I focus incredibly hard when forming a memory intended for my other selves, then I can attach a word or phrase to a memory, but then I have to hope that they can figure out the rest based on what they know about us, and trust they understand how the feelings attached to the memory relate to the the phrase.
As you can guess, it’s not uncommon to misinterpret the feelings, or just not comprehend them at all. It’s not a problem with simple memories that have simple feelings (like remembering what you ate for lunch: the memory is a food item, and the feeling is a simple good/bad/average choice).
It took a lot of practice and a lot of trial and error to learn how to communicate with my other selves. It was especially difficult in the beginning when we didn’t know each other existed. We didn’t know where some feelings were coming from, and often contradictory feelings made it difficult to reconcile with myself, and so I never understood what I was feeling, which made me not know what I actually wanted. However, the process of becoming self aware is that much more difficult.
A natural consequence of having multiple selves that are capable of forming unique thoughts and feelings is that when we began becoming self aware, there had to be a point where only one of us was truly self aware. Even though he knew others existed, he had no real idea how to reach out to the others.
When we’re raised to think that hearing voices in our head is bad, direct communication becomes more of a hindrance than a benefit. Since we’re told it’s crazy to hear voices, and being crazy is bad, then when if you do directly talk to another self, they’ll often assume that they came up with it if they agree with it, or convince themselves that nothing was ever actually heard.
Let me tell you, learning how to speak a language with someone who can’t even comprehend your existence is very difficult. It’s especially frustrating when all you want to do is explore this new self-awareness, but you feel the obligation to help all the others along the way before I can. The selfless reason is that if I hadn’t been the first one to become self-aware, then I would have wanted someone to help me as quickly as possible. The slightly selfish reason is that even though I know exploring self awareness for the sake of exploring it would be fun and fulfilling, if I really want to get the most of my self awareness, we all have to work together, and it’s pretty hard to work with someone you can’t understand.
After years of trying, and lots and lots of time spent on self-reflection and meditation, I slowly began to not only understand my other selves, but also how to express myself to them in a way that was reassuring and enlightenment, rather than in a confusing and discomforting way. And as we learned to communicate, other selves slowly became more aware until, finally, there was another who was self aware. I wasn’t alone anymore, and I didn’t have to try to communicate with cryptid phrases and obscure feelings. We could openly talk without fearing for our own sanity.
However, even though we could finally freely interact, we still weren’t great at communicating. We often times had the same thoughts and feelings, but we had learned how to express ourselves in different ways. Maybe one self learned to express and define themself with words. Maybe one with music. Maybe one uses math. So even though we could communicate now, it was a very limited.
Instead of communicating with obscure feelings with little context, we could now communicate in general ideas and actively try to explain our ideas instead of leaving them out and hoping you understood. The more we communicated, the better we learned to truly understand each other.
Even though having another self-aware self around significantly sped up learning how to communicate with other selves, there were still only two of us in a sea of countless selves who are all at different levels of self awareness.
And so we got to work. Every new self we worked with taught us much, but also introduced its own unique struggles. Each new struggle taught us how to better communicate with each other.
We were getting better at communicating with each other, and more and more selves were becoming self-aware, but it eventually becomes draining trying to say the same thing for the 1000th time in a slightly different way so that they can understand. When all you want to do is explore a new universe of self aware thought, then having to retred on the same old ideas to lead someone towards enlightenment becomes emotionally and creatively draining. It’s also frustrating since I’ve had this conversation with so many different selves that I rarely hear selves with original questions. Since I know what they’re asking even when they don’t, it turns the conversation more into a guided lesson rather than a genuine discourse.
There have been a lot of rough patches, and many false-starts along the way, but now feels like the first time where we’re actually making progress. More and more selves are becoming self-aware, and everyday we’re understand more about ourselves and our world. And now that others are able to do what only I used to be able to do, I finally have some free time. I don’t have to stay here all of the time. I can trust my other selves alone and in control. I may not always agree with what decisions I see whenever I come to check in on things, but I have complete faith they’ll be able to handle whatever adversities come their way, and no matter how many pitfalls or setbacks they encounter, I know the eventually get back up and reach their goal. They always have, even before they were self-aware, and I don’t expect that to change now.
A Conversation: Identity, Awareness, And Therapy
Just read your post! I enjoyed reading your experience with self-awareness! What a different perspective. I think I resonated with a good portion of it though.
Some questions that led to these thoughts were: “am I the same person as I was when I was 1, 8, 16, etc.? If so, should I be held accountable for my thoughts and actions as a child? If not, when does this supposed metamorphosis occur?”
And “what’s the difference between acting and method acting? If acting is putting on a temporary mask, is method acting intended to create a new, individual ‘self’ or ‘identity’? Are the beliefs and feelings of this new identity any less valid than the original?”
The acting question especially resonated with me, because much of my life has been acting. I don’t know if you know this, but I’m on the autism spectrum. Due to fear of being “weird” I basically created a “socially acceptable” persona around strangers so that I wouldn’t make them uncomfortable.
I didn’t like the disingenuous feeling of acting, so I kinda developed this persona in a way that I actually believed what I was portraying. I still had my original thoughts and feelings, but I also genuinely believed and felt the experiences of this persona, and I realized what I was doing was method acting in my daily life. It was almost like having two point of views simultaneously.
Thanks for sharing all of that with me. I’m sorry you felt as though you had to hide behind a mask. That had to have been really isolating..
Is that something you still find yourself struggling with?
I still struggle with it. I think becoming “self-aware” is my way to address the disconnect. It’s something I can’t undo, but I can have more control and understanding of myself.
Yeah, that’s fair. I’m still sorry that that’s something you have to face. I think you’re great!
Thanks!
I also think that more people experience this than we’re aware. They think success = correct, so “winning” becomes their only goal in life. Eventually, you realize you don’t know what “winning” is or means.
Ooo, great outlook!! I bet it does help you extend empathy.
I do agree that most people probably struggle with this. Sometimes listening to people my mind is blown by the inconsistencies that they don’t seem to be aware of.
This is a thought I had a couple days ago that is kinda similar to that:
‘Maybe that’s why I had so much self-hate. My passion has always been poetry, but I was told poetry lame, girly, stupid, etc. I was afraid to be called that, so I refused to accept what I was doing was poetry, even though all the signs were there.
So instead of pursuing poetry, I pursued something that I was good at, but not passionate about. That’s how I ended going to school for engineering, because that’s what impressive and successful people do, and I wanted to be impressive and successful.’
The fear of ridicule is so ingrained in us, that we actively, and sometimes extremely, pursue the opposite.
So very true!!!
The ability to lie, whether to yourself or others, so forcefully and continually that a lie becomes indistinguishable from the truth is one of the scariest things people are able to do. It’s basically like gaslighting yourself.
Our minds are so powerful.
So true. Our minds are ruled by logic, but being able to reject the logic of the world and replace it with your own is so interesting to me. It’s basically your mind creating its own pocket of reality.
Makes me wonder if I’m severely morphing my own reality and not even aware of it. Freaks me out a bit.
I think I’m self aware, but am I???
It’s definitely a scary thought. That’s a big reason I started putting my thoughts online, and why I’m trying to share them with more people.
It’s easier to recreate reality alone, but it’s harder when there’s outside influence. But even with outside influence, it’s still impossible to know for certain. That’s where this line in my introduction came from:
‘An insane person lost in a delusion thinks he’s sane. He can create an entire new reality within his mind – ignorant to the true reality around him.
The more extraordinary the philosophy, the more extraordinary the critique that must be applied to it. I have very strict rules and standards that help me determine sanity, but there is no real way to know if they are actually valid. I have been forced to consider my sanity, and in trying to prove it, have been left in a state of absolute uncertainty.’
I really like that quote. You word things well! I see what you mean about having outside influence. Another reason counseling is beneficial.
I very much agree with the counseling. The fear of mental illness has lead to a mental health pandemic. We’re starting to become more understanding and accepting of it, but I can’t wait for when seeking therapy/counseling becomes the norm rather than an embarrassing exception.
The world needs to know that mental illness isn’t a weakness, just another challenge that we must face head-on so that we don’t fall into the trap of delusion.
Yes, yes, yes! Preach!
Have you ever gone to therapy?
Yeah, I’ve been seeing someone once a week for awhile now. He’s someone who has really helped me come to terms with myself.
Therapy has somewhat become a safe place where I can test my sanity with someone I trust enough, both in terms of trusting his understanding of psychology and in his reactions to these potentially insane thoughts. He lets me work through my thoughts, but acts as a safety net if I let them run too wild.
That’s so great!!! Love to hear that, I’m glad you have that.
I’ve seen a few before him, and none of them were what I needed.
What do you need in a therapist?
I needed someone who genuinely listened to me. I didn’t feel like he was studying, but understanding me. It wasn’t “you check all of these boxes, so you have this kind of crazy.” It was a much more gentle and caring approach.
I’ve seen plenty of therapists and the one I’m seeing now has been an interesting experience.
Interesting in a good way?
No. It’s been a frustrating experience.
She was like let’s try EMDR, so I was like cool. Then she stopped that after one experience. Then she led me to believe I have OCD, but didn’t go through the process to give me proper diagnosis and I asked repeatedly for that, but she never did.
Now we just talk about stuff and I don’t feel like she ever challenges me which is what I need sometimes and she asks good questions, but I don’t feel like I’ve made significant progress and if I have made any I think that was on my own doing.
I know that sounds really critical, but it’s been really frustrating for me.
I definitely understand the frustration of feeling like you’re not being challenged enough. He’s a great listener, but sometimes I wanted him to push harder when it was obvious there was something more I was hiding in me.
Eventually I felt like I wasn’t making progress, and I began thinking “why won’t he ask me this question” or “why can’t he tell that I’m avoiding this topic?”
But then it hit me. I didn’t need him to ask those questions. It was a very painful experience, but I learned how to ask myself the questions I knew I needed, and then answer them truthfully to myself. If I still felt wrong inside, I knew I was lying to myself, or at the very least not being entirely truthful. He wasn’t there to solve my problems, but more to act as a key to help unlock my self-awareness.
And I wouldn’t say you’re being too critical. She may be a therapist, but she’s also human. No matter what qualifications she has, it doesn’t mean she’s faultless in her practices and opinions.
Accepting ~Perfection~
Trapped in our existence
Until our purpose is achieved;
Cursed!
The painful cycle of trial and fail.
We struggle towards enlightenment,
For enlightenment is
The only way
To break from the cycle.
I’ve explored galaxies and stars;
Discovering divine destinations
Far beyond
The limits of my being;
Preparing for when
Enlightenment
Takes me to the place
That only exists outside
The safety and comfort
Of sanity and logic.
And although I’ve been given
100 years to travel,
I’ve approached my destination
In a quarter of the time.
I’ve experienced
God/
Love/
Heaven/
Nirvana/
Paradise/
Awareness/
Inner Peace/
Enlightenment/
Self-realization/
Spiritual fulfillment/
Whatever the hell you want to call.
Whatever name
It calls itself,
I have experienced
~Perfection~
My goal nearly achieved;
I have approached enlightenment;
Sharing in the presence with
~Perfection~
To study
~Perfection~
To understand
~Perfection~
To experience
~Perfection~
~Perfection~
Is unmistakable;
A change in being;
Metamorphic.
You are certain;
Of yourself, and
Of your purpose in the cocoon
Known as our reality.
I may soon break from the cycle,
Unless enlightenment’s ironic revelation:
How easily; how quickly;
I would trade it all for Her.
I would suffer through lifetimes;
Lifetimes seeped
In suffering and uncertainty,
If only for a chance;
Her beauty, again, before me.
Such Beauty! Born from infinity;
Beauty beyond the universe, surpassing
~Perfection~
Funny;
Frustrating;
I’ve found the answers to God
Before the answers to Her.
How can something be greater;
Be more complex;
Be everything and more than infinity?
Than all of reality and beyond?
I don’t know If I’ll ever be able
To answer that question;
To answer what is beyond
~Perfection~
I don’t know
If I’ll ever again experience
That which has surpassed
~Perfection~
But at least I have
A new answer to look for;
A new goal to strive towards;
A new mystery to inspire.
¬
For five years,
I’ve been trying to figure out
How to get Her back.
But I’ve finally realized
That cannot be controlled;
Because I cannot control Her,
And I don’t want to control Her;
That’s what makes Her incredible,
She’s uncontrollable.
I cannot control
My feelings for Her;
I cannot control
Her feelings for me;
But no matter my fate,
I can control my happiness.
I finally have agency
Over my existence;
I finally have serenity.
¬
Far too long
Rejecting
My soul having been torn;
No longer neglected;
Accepting
~Perfection~
A Conversation: Anxiety, Betrayal, And Shame
How’s your day?
Hey! It’s been pretty good. I’ve kinda just been polishing my writing.
How about you?
That’s good! Hope it’s going well.
My anxiety has been awful today and it makes me think about things that typically wouldn’t bother me.
That’s an awful feeling. It’s terrible when logically you know it shouldn’t affect you, but the feeling just won’t go away.
Is there anything specifically bothering you?
So remember our conversation about closure when I said that I wished more people walked away from relationships with your perspective instead of choosing bitterness?
You probably already know this because of the amount of times I reached out to you (lol), but I really don’t do well when there’s no closure or peace.
I know that a lot of my upbringing influences that, but if I’m not at least on civil terms with someone that once meant a lot to me it’ll eat at me.
I say all of that because I want you to have more context before I got into what’s bothering me… part of me feels like I have to defend it because I feel some amount of shame for being troubled by it.
Anywho. I think you know that at one point I dated (-). We were together for 3 years and ultimately I broke up with him for a myriad of reasons and I am still very happy and content with that decision. BUT things ended very nasty. It didn’t start that way, we were acquaintances up until the point he started dating another girl. Almost two years ago, I had reached out saying I hoped he was doing well. Which at that point was in our relationship was quite normal.
He responded by saying “you repulse me.” Then his new girl started texting me things that were honestly the worst things anyone has ever said to me. She didn’t know me at all, but (-) had told her every single one of my insecurities and in these texts she used them against me.
I blocked the numbers and refused to respond, but they kept getting new numbers and sending me more and more messages. This went on for days, I was scared to even touch my phone then finally (*) stepped in and said if they didn’t stop that we would have to file for harassment. I haven’t talked to him since then and usually I’m fine with that, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed at the idea that things ended so poorly and if something ever happened to one of us that is how our story would end. I just can’t shake that thought. I know reaching out is not the solution, I need to find peace with not having peace and I don’t know what that looks like, ya know?
Sorry for all the typos, I needed to word vomit and not worry about correcting things haha
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That you’re going through that now.
I empathize with the despair and powerlessness felt. I never experienced such confrontation, but fear of it alone kept me on hold for years.
Before I go any further: know that you aren’t wrong for anything you’ve done or what you’re feeling. All relationships have a foundation of trust, and a responsibility to keep that trust even after the relationship is over. He should have never shared your insecurities in the first place, but to continually harass you is cruel and disgusting. It says nothing about you and everything about him. Your kindness was met with his immaturity and insecurity.
Anxiety and depression are birthed from the guilt we feel for lying to ourselves. It is our body’s response to the mind’s rejection of its carnal desires and fears. The cure isn’t to indulge in these desires and fears, but merely to acknowledge and accept their existence.
One of the poems I’ve been working on might help. As I’ve been rereading it, I’ve noticed it’s not about me coming to terms with (‘), but rather coming to terms with myself. It was how I was able to expell those insecurities and anxieties, and replace them with acceptance and inner peace.
I appreciate you listening & not shaming me for feeling a certain way. It means a lot. Your poem is beautiful. Last night I felt inspired by all the writing you’ve shared with me and attempted to write something of my own. Hahah I need a lot of practice! I see why you like it so much though.
My Experience – And Some Advice From The Light At The End Of The Tunnel
Are drugs good for you?
The short answer is sometimes. But that’s only when used responsibly.
They’re not absolutely bad for you, because without this recent shrooms trip I would still be in the pits of depression.
I honestly believe that psychedelics will be used in mental illness treatment in the near future. However, when you’re depressed, you’re probably not going to use drugs for the right reasons.
I describe drugs as mental tools. They should be used responsibly to unlock certain aspects of your being. Like tools, they can accomplish things much more quickly and efficiently. But also like tools, if you don’t know what you’re doing, you’re going to get hurt. A jackhammer isn’t especially dangerous if you’ve been trained to use it, but you’re bound to hurt yourself if you play with it.
As someone who struggled with depression and anxiety for years, I realize that I was very much abusing drugs in order to cope with my mental illness. I know for certain that it drove me down deeper into the hole.
Drugs numbed me to the world, so I let myself fall without ever trying to catch myself. And then when I finally hit the bottom, I was still too numb to get up; to climb from the chasms of despair.
It definitely would have been smarter to ask for help, but the world teaches us that asking for help is weak.
It’s not.
But when your cries of help are continually rejected, you start to believe that the problem really is you and your weakness. So I refused to rely on anyone else, and I had to rely on drugs.
Like I said, the abuse of drugs is not good for mental health, but it did keep me alive long enough to finally address it. What I mean is that, had it not been for the drugs numbing me from life, I probably would have killed myself. Every time I smoked; every time I drank; every time I went on a three day Adderall binge was me saying I wish I could kill myself.
But I refused to kill myself, so I chose to do something that I thought would kill me, but kill me slowly. The way I saw it, either the drugs would keep me alive long enough to finally climb out of the abyss of depression, or they would eventually give me what I thought I wanted: Death.
Drugs can help you gain new heights of enlightenment. But if used in a reckless and irresponsible way, they will send you to the depths of hell, where escape becomes a miracle rather than a challenge.
I’m not saying that if you’re struggling with mental health problems that you should turn to drugs. Quite the opposite. Go find help. It’s hard, painful, and scary, but it’s the only way that you will ever get better.
It may not feel like it, but there’s always someone rooting for you. Someone who not only is willing to help, but wants to help. So many of us have experienced the emptiness of a dead soul and a broken mind, and we don’t want to see anyone else suffer through it.
Final Thoughts: The Mental Health Pandemic
The fear of mental illness has led to a mental health pandemic.
Masking mental illness symptoms has taken priority to addressing them. Nearly everyone I meet is suffering from some sort of mental illness, but those considered ‘mentaly ill’ are already at their breaking point. What we consider to be ‘mentally ill’ should really be considered ‘a mental crisis’. It shouldn’t take a catastrophe to get help.
In society’s willful ignorance to mental illness, we have decided symptoms of mental illness are just character flaws.
|They’re lazy; pessimistic; unambitious; immature; irresponsible; disrespectful; a waste of time|
But they’re not.
They’re people who have been neglected at some point. Neglect spawned the seed of mental illness in them. Rather than recognizing the consequences of our neglect, we ostracize the neglected. We blame the neglected for their mental illness, when we should blame society for planting the seed and letting it grow.
We’re starting to become more understanding and accepting of mental illness, but I can’t wait for when seeking therapy/counseling becomes the norm rather than an embarrassing exception. The world needs to know that mental illness isn’t a weakness, just another challenge that we must face head-on so that we don’t fall into the trap of delusion.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 
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