[re-upload, originally from 14 September 2020]
This anthology tells the story of heartbreak, depression, and acceptance.
I have only just experienced the “acceptance” part, and it has filled me with inspiration. I am no longer suffocating under the waves of despair.
I experienced that heartbreaking moment 5 years ago, and the failure to recognize and understand my feelings led me to that hole called depression; that abyss that takes away the light of life.
Ironically, one of most terrible years has led to one of the most influential and positive changes to my health. Not many people can say they got “healthier” during a pandemic, whether physically or mentally.
Not only has the pandemic given me time to self-reflect, it has forced me to address my feelings. I could no longer create diversions to distract me from the emptiness. I had to come to terms with my feelings, or the emptiness would eat me from the inside.
And after 5 years of feeling like I hadn’t made any progress; like I was empty inside; like my soul had died; I was finally able to put the pieces inside me together. For the first time, I felt whole. After 5 years of reflection, I not only understood my feelings, but accepted them.
To Start
To start, her name is – – – – – – .
She was a few months younger,
And a few years wiser.
She was studying to be a nurse,
And you could really tell.
She had that confident caring to her.
She was kind to everyone,
But she had that
Self-respect and spunk
To not take shit from anyone.
A genuine compassion within,
She would always be drawn to care;
Guided by her heart to nursing,
A deeper connection more valuable
Than the salary of a doctor.
She didn’t want
To walk in,
Look at a clipboard,
And walk out.
She stayed,
Giving the care
Not found in a pill bottle.
A beautiful and kind heart – supported
By graceful skill and kind confidence.
The world is brighter around her.
A Letter To Her [I]
I’ve wanted to write this for the longest time, but every time I tried, there was always a block that stopped me.
What I’ve learned is that my one true fear is that I won’t be able to convey my feelings in the way that I want, and that whomever I’m talking to won’t understand what I’m trying to say. And if I’m honest, my feelings about you have to be the most complex I’ve ever had, and it’s taken me three years to truly understand them. But having talked to you again recently, I think I finally understand them well enough to tell you.
[…]
The{}Emptiness
I’ve spent 5 years
Looking for a meaning
As true as Her;
The only truth I’ve found
Is that nothing comes close
To the meaning found in Her.
I would walk through darkness
If she was on the other side;
Waiting for me.
I know you are different;
I don’t mind;
So am I.
Maybe you can
Fall in love
With the new me;
And maybe I can
Fall in love
With the new you.
If it happens,
I won’t let it fail;
Not again.
Difficult to accept the loss.
Impossible to accept the loneliness.
The{}emptiness
ALTH Continued [II]
[…]
I’ve really enjoyed talking to you lately, especially about music. It’s been really nice to talk to someone who understands music the same way I do. But I guess that makes sense, since you really brought me into and exposed me to your musical world, whether it be when we went to the orchestra or one of the few times I got to hear you play.
Looking back, I didn’t realize it then, but I loved to hear you play because I got to experience you truly expressing yourself. There’s something about music that, even if a hundred people play the same notes, it’s never exactly the same. And by listening to those small differences, you get to know that person. More accurately, you get to truly feel what that person is feeling.
[…]
Facing Her
I was finally able to face her,
If only in my dreams.
I showed her my feelings,
And she rejected them.
It hurt for a moment,
But then it came to me:
“That’s fine;
You have your feelings,
And I have mine.
We may never share
The same feelings again,
But I cannot keep them hidden;
I will not hide them
Anymore;
I will share them with you.
Do what you please;
Although they’re born from me,
They belong to you.”
ALTH Continued [III]
[…]
And after writing that all, I think I finally understand. When I was with you, I got to experience feelings that I really enjoyed. They made me so happy. It was pretty devastating when we first broke up, because it felt like I wouldn’t be able to experience those same feelings again. But as time passed on, I got to experience those same feelings again. But just like with music, there was something a little different about it. And that difference was the little bit of you that made it unique.
[…]
An Outcome
I was
Finally
Able to do it;
I was
Finally
Able to share,
And I was right;
She rejected my feelings;
It still hurts;
Though differently;
It isn’t despair;
It isn’t emptiness;
It isn’t an abyss,
Taking the light from my world;
It’s almost
A happy pain;
I don’t feel empty,
I feel validated;
She may not have accepted
My feelings,
But I finally have;
That in itself has fulfilled me;
Although it may have been
The outcome I wanted least,
At least I finally have
An outcome;
I respect Her feelings,
And though I cannot know for certain,
I hope She respects mine;
Or at least understands them;
And though it makes me
Vulnerable,
I will keep my heart
Open;
I will keep it open
For Her
If She ever feels the same
Again;
But if not,
I will keep it open
For whatever life
Sends my way;
I can’t imagine something
More beautiful;
But the universe always finds a way
To surprise you.
ALTH Continued [IV]
[…]
And so I realized I don’t need you to be happy, but you’re someone who makes me happy. And that’s something that I don’t ever want to lose. Just because we stopped dating doesn’t mean the things I loved about you disappeared.
Back then you were my best friend. And I can confidently say that I truly love my friends; and the people I consider best friends will always have a special kind of love. My best friends are the ones who have taken up real estate on my heart that will not and cannot go to anyone else.
[…]
Accepting ~Perfection~
Trapped in our existence
Until our purpose is achieved;
Cursed!
The painful cycle of trial and fail.
We struggle towards enlightenment,
For enlightenment is
The only way
To break from the cycle.
I’ve explored galaxies and stars;
Discovering divine destinations
Far beyond
The limits of my being;
Preparing for when
Enlightenment
Takes me to the place
That only exists outside
The safety and comfort
Of sanity and logic.
And although I’ve been given
100 years to travel,
I’ve approached my destination
In a quarter of the time.
I’ve experienced
God/
Love/
Heaven/
Nirvana/
Paradise/
Awareness/
Inner Peace/
Enlightenment/
Self-realization/
Spiritual fulfillment/
Whatever the hell you want to call.
Whatever name
It calls itself,
I have experienced
~Perfection~
My goal nearly achieved;
I have approached enlightenment;
Sharing in the presence with
~Perfection~
To study
~Perfection~
To understand
~Perfection~
To experience
~Perfection~
You are certain;
Of yourself, and
Of your purpose in the cocoon
Known as our reality.
I may soon break from the cycle,
Unless enlightenment’s ironic revelation:
How easily; how quickly;
I would trade it all for Her.
I would suffer through lifetimes;
Lifetimes seeped
In suffering and uncertainty,
If only for a chance;
Her beauty, again, before me.
Such Beauty! Born from infinity;
Beauty beyond the universe, surpassing
~Perfection~
Funny;
Frustrating;
I’ve found the answers to God
Before the answers to Her.
How can something be greater;
Be more complex;
Be everything and more than infinity?
Than all of reality and beyond?
I don’t know If I’ll ever be able
To answer that question;
To answer what is beyond
~Perfection~
I don’t know
If I’ll ever again experience
That which has surpassed
~Perfection~
But at least I have
A new answer to look for;
A new goal to strive towards;
A new mystery to inspire.
¬
For five years
I’ve been trying to figure out
How to get Her back.
But I’ve finally realized
I cannot control that;
Because I cannot control Her,
And I don’t want to control Her;
That’s what makes Her incredible,
She’s uncontrollable.
I cannot control
My feelings for Her;
I cannot control
Her feelings for me;
But no matter my fate,
I can control my happiness;
I finally have agency
Over my existence;
I finally have serenity.
¬
Far too long
Rejecting
My soul having been torn;
No longer neglected;
Accepting
~Perfection~
ALTH Continued [V]
[…]
So no matter where the future takes me, I know that I’ll love you. And by love, I mean in the most sincere and pure way possible. The type of love that, no matter what happens in the future, I want you to be happy because you make me happy. I don’t know how that love will express itself, but it’ll be there. Whether it be these small messages or something more. I’ve always wanted to move out to the west coast, so maybe we’ll even be lucky enough to cross paths again. But only time will tell.
[…]
The Confidence To Face The Future
I’m really good right now.
I had forgotten what it meant
To feel this way.
This past trip
Finally
Flipped a switch in me.
I’ve always known I’d get better,
But for the first time
I believe it.
This trip answered
The last questions
I had been suffocating under.
After a 5 years’ long journey
Through a broken heart,
I finally feel full again.
I know that everything
Won’t be perfect
From here on out.
I’m going to continue
To experience pain;
To experience confusion.
But that’s tradeoff
For experiencing the wonders
Life has to offer.
But for the first time
In as long as forever,
I finally have my energy and vigor.
I finally have
The Confidence
To face the future.
ALTH Concluded [VI]
[…]
And so, after all of that, here’s one last thing I want to leave with you:
Whatever highs or lows you may experience, know that there will always be at least one person rooting for you; someone willing to help anyway he can; someone who will be there if you ever need it.
It’s the least I can do, because whether or not you know it, you’ve always been there for me as an inspiration. You’re an amazing person, and I can’t wait to see how you will turn out in ten, twenty, thirty years, because I know it’s going to be something great.
All the best!
Then She Was Gone
She is the only wish
I found among the stars;
She is the only love
I guarded in my heart;
She is the only question
I could not answer;
She let me stop thinking
For She was my only thought;
She gave me §serenity§
She brought beauty into my world,
Beauty that bloomed from within
Alongside my feelings for her;
How exhilarating it is to be inspired
By such intoxicating beauty!
°-.Ecstasy.-°
When I was happy
My mind would ~wander~ to Her;
And how it would make Her happy too!
.
.
.
————Then She Was Gone————
.
.
.
Then the pain;
The perversion of thought;
My Inspiration snatched away;
No longer could I think,
For thought was now
An agent of despair;
I could have faced it;
I should have faced it;
But I hid, a cowering child;
My §_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _§ was lost,
An emptiness like an abyss
Having taken its residence.
But to my surprise,
The beauty persists!
For She did not make
The world beautiful,
But proved how beautiful
My world could be.
I am no longer afraid to think, and once again my mind ~wanders~
Final Goodbye Note
Goodbye.
– – – – – – ,
I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, but I needed to send you those for my own health. It was the last step I needed to finally move on with my life.
I won’t try to contact you again, so you don’t have to worry. There was just one last thing I wanted to share with you:
It would be nice to share a relationship, even one of friendship. But I understand if you don’t think it’s possible after my poetry. I’m always here if you ever want to reconnect, but I’ll leave that decision up to you.
If I never see or hear from you again, I want you to know that I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.
I wish you the best of luck.
She|&|I
I have grown,
And I hope She has too;
It would be fun to try it again
If only to see how we’ve changed;
But I may not need that right now,
And neither may She;
Maybe we never will;
Maybe we’ll never know.
I still feel it – that emptiness,
Though no longer an abyss;
And though it is there,
It doesn’t hurt;
Not anymore.
I am no longer afraid to think,
And when I’m happy
My mind once again ~wanders~
And ends 5 Years – A Journey Through A Broken Heart.
I have found meaning through these poems, and I hope you may find some meaning within as well.
Thank you for taking this journey with me.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 
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