I’m not worried about killing myself. I’ve put enough fail-safes to make sure it doesn’t happen. But it’s really hard to talk about it with other people because I am in a scary place. I’m constantly in a state of near-suicide. Every time I think “I’m going to kill myself” I always tell myself I’m not, and I know I not lying to myself. But even just hearing the words brings me comfort. I know that in that instance, my life is in my hands. I know I can end it. I know it would be a relief to me. But I choose not to. But I don’t know if it’s actually good, because I’m not saying I don’t want to kill myself, just that I won’t.
If I want to get past this, if I really want to start living my life to its fullest, I have to not want to die. Because right now, my fail-safe is self-deprivation of wants, whether good or bad.
https://madmanphilosophy.home.blog/2023/04/19/empathy-experience-requiem-revised/
♡Sugar☆World☮ 