Divinity | 17 May 2019
• Divinity is contradictary to humanity
• Success in the divine world is failure in the human world. The opposite is also true.
• However, divinity is not opposite to humanity. This is because you can simultaneously fail in both the divine and human world (easy), and you can simultaneously succeed in both (very very hard)
Magic Mushrooms – Introspective Trip | 16 May 2020
• “There is no right philosophy. All rivers of thought eventually lead to the ocean of fulfillment – some just take much longer to do it”
• The near-perfect recreation of my philosophy in this game has given me much confidence in my direction.
• But what if I’m just projecting my philosophy onto the game?
• Maybe my philosophy is so similar due to the exposure to the Talos Principle in the past. It definitely influenced me, but I definitely departed from its philosophy many times over the years
• Also, the road to gehenna is way too perfect of a mirror of my philosophy’s progression. It’s like it’s my thoughts tens of years into the future, or maybe even hundreds. I’m learning so much from it
• Learning how to channel an infinite and higher plane of existence through our finite bodies.
1. The physical is powerful, but is finite and limited by space, so it cannot support infinity
2. The mental contains an aspect of infinity, but is limited by logic. A mental being interacting with a higher plane is impossible because higher planes act outside of logic
3. That leaves the spiritual aspect to channel the higher plane. The spirit is not ruled by either space nor logic, so the only thing preventing its interaction with the higher plane is spiritual willpower and skillful self-manipulation of the ego
• So I actually played the sequel to the Talos Principle last time, because I had already played half of the first game when I was 19. I decided to replay the original today, and it’s insane realizing how much of an influence it had on my philosophy. This game has basically steered my life over the past 5 years and I didn’t even know.
• Is it possible to remain physically grounded while experiencing an ego death?
• What I’m realizing is that since I never finished the original, I only started the philosophy lesson. Me playing it now is confirming whether or not I was able to figure it out through my own study of philosophy
• I ended up stopping because I realize I don’t have the energy for another intensive philosophy experience, but I got a lot even from the short time playing it.
• If I had to give the shortest and simplest description/distinction of the two: Talos is the philosophy to understand what “God” is, and Gehenna is the philosophy to understand what’s even further beyound than “God”
• These recent trips have given me much more confidence in being ready to succeed on my own, or rather not fall into the same traps.
• My depression and anxiety seem to be away on vacation, but the loneliness is right where it’s always been
• Although I’m not full, I finally have a splash of inspiration. I have to be conservative with it right now, but I think I finally have enough to get me at least to the next leg of the journey.
• My knowledge and wisdom has given me the obligation to face what others can’t.
• What I’m feeling is a reminder that I can’t stay in the higher plane permanently, at least not right now. I must not get intoxicated on Nirvana.
• Instead experiencing my life to create philosophy, I created my philosophy in order to experience life.
• Depression is a mental illness that slowly kills you as its reach spreads to your physical and spiritual health.
• There is an irony in that modern religion not only drives away the spiritually confused, but also corrupts many within its own sphere.
• I’ve relied far too much on my ability to channel the spiritual component of my being. I’ve been misusing it in the attempt to cure my loneliness.
• Study method: bathing in your philosophy
• The world has so much to do, see, and experience. I’m not worried that I won’t find anything I want to do. It’s just that I want someone I can share it with.
• For the past five years, I’ve been trying to prove that I don’t need others in my life. I think I’m finally ready to admit defeat.
• Learn to take pride in your work. You weren’t sitting on your ass for 5 years. You were finally adressing your mental illness, in addition to practicing philosophy. It might not have made you any money so far, but it will have prepared you for your success.
• The worst feeling right now is that even though there are people who I can call, it feels like there’s no one to talk to
• Fate can be kind, if not devious. Life will often give you what you want, but in the last way you expect it.
• For the longest time, the more I grew, the further my goal moved. Eventually I gave up growing, because it’d still be as far away as I started. I didn’t realize that growth is its own award.
• Everyone is capable of greatness, it just depends whether you take the patience, focus, and determination to achieve it. One person can plant a forest, it will just cost them a large sacrifice of time and effort.
• It’s easier to interact with people you don’t know because you don’t care if you never see them again because of your actions or personality.
• Although I am not alone, for I have friends in other states of reality, I am incredibly lonely in this reality. I enjoy the people here, but the disconnect continues to become more apparent.
• I must not be embarrassed of my philosophy. I may have chosen a misunderstood and under-respected vocation, but I have chosen what will fulfill me and my life.
• The reason I don’t talk much is that I don’t naturally have a filter, so I don’t know what’s too personal for others to handle. I’m willing to pour my heart out to anyone, but they have work to make sure I know they want it.
• Given the right circumstances, most any job can be fulfilling enough to commit yourself to. However, a passion is what you do no matter the circumstances.
• To be unconventionally successful, you must process somewhat of an arrogance. You must be aware odds against, and still trust your ability to willingly pursue it
• I’ve never trusted politicians. As far as I’m concerned, they’re all corrupt until proven otherwise. However, what we’re experiencing now is beyond corrupt. While I still consider democrats corrupt, republicans have taken it to a whole new level. They’re not corrupt; they’re evil.
• We must expell this evil from our nation, but it is important it is destroyed rather than just migrated
• It’s very demoralizing looking for the words that you’re not sure even exist.
• I have been working on this poem for nearly five years. It has taken that long just to learn how to write the words. I’m close. I thought I had found the words. But the more I read it, the more I feel just off balance. I can’t leave this off balance.
• I don’t know what I hope to achieve with this. Maybe I’m hoping those words will finally be able to fill this suffocating emptiness.
• My philosophy is at the point where it will take years, psychedelics, or both to really advance it.
She & I | 17 May 2020
She is the only wish
I found among the stars;
She is the only love
I kept in my heart;
She is the only question
I could not answer
She let me stop thinking
For She was my only thought;
She gave me serenity
She brought beauty into my world
Beauty that bloomed within
Alongside my feelings for her;
How wonderful it is to be inspired
By such intoxicating beauty
Extacy
When I was happy
My mind would wander to Her;
And how it would
Make Her happy too
But then the pain;
The perversion of thought;
My Inspiration
Snatched away
No longer could I think
For thought was now
The agent of despair;
I could have faced it;
I should have faced it;
But I hid, a cowering child
Then She was gone.
My serenity was lost
An emptiness like an abyss
Having took up its residence;
But to my surprise
The beauty was not
Not entirely
For She did not make the world beautiful
But proved how beautiful my world could be
I have grown
And I hope She has too;
It would be fun to try it again
If only to see how we've changed;
But I may not need that right now
And neither may She
Maybe we never will;
Maybe we'll never know
I still feel it - that emptiness
Though no longer like an abyss;
But it does not hurt
Not anymore
I am no longer afraid to think;
And when I'm happy
My mind once again wanders
She and I v1.1 | 17 May 2020
She is the only wish
I saw in the stars;
She is the only love
I guarded in my heart;
She is the only question
I couldn't answer
.
She let me stop thinking;
She taught me true peace
.
When I was happy
My mind would wander to Her;
And how it would
Make Her happy too
.
She was my only thought
.
But then the pain;
The perversion of thought;
My Inspiration
Snatched away
.
And no longer
Could I think;
For thought was now
The harbinger of suffering
.
But it does not hurt;
Not anymore
.
I have grown
And I hope She has too;
It would be fun to try it again
If only to see how we've changed;
But I may not need that right now
And neither may She
.
Maybe we never will;
Maybe we'll never know
.
I am no longer afraid to think;
And when I'm happy
My mind once again wanders
.
The world became beautiful
When I met Her;
And I was afraid to lose that beauty
.
.
.
. Then She was gone.
.
.
.
But to my surprise
The beauty was not
.
Not entirely
.
For She did not make
The world Beautiful;
But showed me how beautiful
My world could be
Acceptance: Submission to Perfection | 17 May 2020
I have finally accepted that I truly want you. I’ve explored galaxies and beyond, and although my discoveries and experiences have brought me to incredible destinations, destinations far beyond the limits of my being, nothing has quite compared.
I’ve experienced self-realization/spiritual fulfillment/Nirvana/heaven /god/paradise/whatever the hell you want to call. Whatever name it goes by, I have experienced perfection.
Experiencing perfection changes your life – no your very being – in a indescribable way. Not only are you certain of yourself, but also of the cocoon of existence known as our reality.
As a philosopher, my one true calling – my purpose for the gift of life and consciousness – is to experience perfection. To be able to describe perfection. To prepare me for whatever may exist outside the safety and comfort of sanity and logic. And although I’ve been given 100 years to achieve this, I’ve accomplished this goal in a quarter of the time.
But even though I have achieved my goal, if only partially, the most enlightening revelation I’ve had is how easily and how quickly I would trade it all for her.
We are trapped in our existence until our goal is achieved, cursed in the painful cycle trial and fail. We strive for enlightenment, since that is the only way to break the cycle. But I would be more than willing to suffer through many lifetimes of pain, if only for the chance to feel her beautiful perfection once again.
I don’t know how to describe it, but she has somehow surpassed perfection. I don’t know if I find it funny or frustrating, but somehow I’ve found the answers to God before the answers to her. How can something be greater, be more complex, be everything and more than infinity? Than all of reality and beyond? I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to answer that question, but at least I have an answer to look for; a goal to strive towards; a mystery to inspire.
And with that, I have finally accepted this feeling. This neglected part of my soul. I can finally admit it: I still love her, and I want her more than anything else this world or beyond can offer. I have rejected this feeling for far too long, and my soul has been torn because of it. But now that I have accepted this aspect of my being, I can finally heal. But even more importantly, I can now accept another aspect of myself. I can grow.
Although I want her more than anything, I now actually believe that I don’t need her. I have been given time, and it will be spent regardless of her. I’ve found my purpose. I’ve answered my calling; my mission; my vocation. If I died today, I would rest peacefully, knowing that I have achieved fulfillment from life.
Even so, I’ve decided not to give up. I don’t know if I’ll ever be with her again; if I’ll ever again experience that which has surpassed perfection. But if it does happen, I know this: I am not here because fate decided what is best. I am here because I’ve decided for myself.
Fate cannot be ignored or rejected, but it can be overcome and surpassed. And in reaching this conclusion, I finally have agency over my existence.
I finally have serenity.
Ready for the next chapter | 17 May 2020
I’m really good right now. I had forgetful what it meant to feel this way.
This past trip finally flipped a switch in me. I’ve always known I’d get better, but this is the first time I believe it. This trip answered the last questions that I had been suffocating under. After a years’ long journey through life and philosophy, I finally feel completed.
I know that everything isn’t going to be perfect from here on out. I’m going to continue to experience pain and confusion. But that’s tradeoff for experiencing the wonders life has to offer.
But for the first time in as long as forever, I finally have my energy and vigor. I’m finally confident I can face the future.
That Special Hug | 17 May 2020
One of the greatest feelings is being hugged by someone who wants nothing more than to never let go.
It’s not about the length of the hug, because this hug feels the same whether it lasts for one minute or one hour.
This is the type of hug a mother gives her hurting child. The type of hug a groom gives to his best man after his speach – whose words inspire feelings love of as much as their spouse. The type of hug shared between lovers in an airport, reunited after the unbearable separation of time and distance.
They’re not hugging you with their body. They’re not thinking about you with their mind. They’re not feeling you with their spirit.
In that moment, nothing exists outside the universe shared between you. They’re taking you in with their entire being.
The Talos Principle – A Perfect Expression of | 17 May 2020
[blank note]
Random Thoughts 17 May 2020 | 17 May 2020
• What prevents me from learning how to do something is not the actual act of doing it, but rather my intrest in learning it. For example, I have never been able to learn computer coding. Not because it was too difficult, but because I never had any interest in the process after completely my initial task
• I forgot how peaceful it could be when the voices stop.
• I’m finally ready to share myself with the world
• Loose girls with sharp minds are my weakness
• Poetry now speaks to me in a way it has never before
• Love truly is my greatest inspiration
• My favorite things: Philosophy = Spirit, Writing = Mind, and Music = Body
• Understanding doesn’t make your a good person; caring makes your a good person
• I enjoy writing poetry because poetry is a much more flexible for of literature and expression. It is not about writing something that can be understood. It’s about writing something that can be felt
• I’m excited when I see a lot of potential. I’m uncontrollably excited with I see guaranteed potential.
• The difference between potential and guaranteed potential:
1. Potential: A combination of elements that can be arranged into something greater than the sum of its parts
2. Guaranteed Potential: A near finished product, or one waiting for ignition
3. Example – Potential: would be like a box of lego->you can make something great from it, but incompetence or outside factors like time/space to build will mean that your creation ends up a total mess.
4. Example – Guaranteed Potential: would be like a pre-packaged lego set. Although you still have to work and build it, and you can potentially screw it up if you don’t follow the directions, it’s practically guaranteed to be what you want.
• So I just had an about idea why people, especially those interested in philosophy, like psychedelics. Thinking about/reading/developing philosophy is kinda like you’re downloading it. It already exists, you’re just becoming aware of it. Taking psychedelics is kinda like installing it. That’s why the world “makes sense” after a trip. You didn’t lie something new, you were just able to apply the lessons you have learned from living. After my trip, I still believe/know the same things, but I felt like I can actually apply my philosophy to my life.
• The last could of years was like downloading my philosophy, while the shrooms trip was like installing it.
• “Downloading vs installing” would be an equivalent to “knowing vs believing”
• I’m no longer fragmented, because I no longer solve the universe
• She is my inspiration, because whenever I write, I think of what she would think about it. I did it so naturally, that I never noticed. That’s why I’m so particular about my word choice. It can’t just be good enough, because she deserves the perfect words. And the reason I get such a release when I finally use the perfect words. The words aren’t for me, because I already know how I feel. They’re for her. Even though I never give them to her, I feel accomplished for making something that I think is worth her.
• Writing something for someone who won’t ever read it is like making a gift that you will never be able to give.
• Growing old is quite subtle.
• The affects of nostalgia on the “aging” of the spirit
• I just realized that I haven’t been writing essays these past couple of years. I’ve been writing poetry. That’s why I’ve always be so particular with the words that I chose. Because just like poetry, I wanted you to feel what I felt, not know what I think. I guess my goal when I write isn’t to induce sympathy, but rather empathy.
• I kinda hate myself, because the first thought I had after this realization is “I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it!”
• The thought that I use my life to write poetry coincides with a previous thought I’ve had: “My life is my art”
• Maybe that’s why I had so much self-hate. My passion has always been poetry, but I was told poetry lame, girly, stupid, etc. I was afraid to be called that, so I refused to accept what I was doing was poetry, even though all the signs were there. So instead of pursuing poetry, I pursued something that I was good at, but not passionate about. That’s how I ended going to school for engineering, because that’s what impressive and successful people do, and I wanted to be impressive and successful.
• I guess I kinda have a better understanding of why there are so many people who are homosexual that absolutely hate other homosexuals. The fear of ridicule is so ingrained in them, that they actively and extremely pursue the opposite of it.
• Poetry is one of the best tools to handle psychedelic trips
• It’s kinda a funny story. I’ve kept notes on my phone for years, but I never really organized or showed anyone. I never really considered what I wrote as “literature” because I always thought of myself as a numbers guy. But the more I wrote, the more natural it came, and I started having fun with it. It’s kinda funny, because I recently realized a lot of my notes and essays were actually written as poetry subconsciously, so I’ve been rereading and cleaning up a lot of my old stuff in addition to my new stuff
• I think I was using pain and misery to ground me to the world
• (talk with friend) Thanks! That means more than you know.
I’ve always been more reserved, and though I wouldn’t lie, I often hid parts of myself that I thought others wouldn’t like. That’s kind where the “I try not to make people feel awkward” comes from.
Me organizing and sharing my writing has kinda been like me validating my existence.
It’s also nice that there’s something I can take some pride in now.
• The reason I’m so kind to others, is because I know exactly how cruel I can be to myself.
• Being self-aware enough to notice your character traits and archetype can be frustrating, especially when you recognize you’re doing something so stereotypically tied to your character traits.
• I killed my spirit so I could learn how to revive it. Playing with death is dangerous and scary, but if you’re able to make it to the other side and back, nothing will be as hard.
I will | 17 May 2020
• I will become a writer
• I will follow my heart
• I will not give up
• I will be proud of myself
Seattle & Hattie | 17 May 2020
I'd be lying if I said it wasn't related to those poems.
I was going to move out there with her, but even after everything happened, Seattle still seemed right for me.
I put off moving there because I didn't want to go for the wrong reasons. But no matter how much I tried to want to live somewhere else, I just always saw myself in Seattle
To start, her name is Hattie. She was studying to be a nurse, and you could really tell. She had that type of confident caring to her. She was kind to everyone, but she had that self-respect and spunk to not take shit from anyone.
She genuinely wanted to help people, even choosing nursing over becoming a doctor, because she wanted to be able to have a more genuine relationship with her patients. She didn't want to walk in, look at a clipboard, and walk out. She wanted to stay, and give the care that can't be put in a pill bottle.
It definitely hurt losing her, but the more I look back, the more I feel it was worth it.
I learned so much from her when we were together, but even though we rarely saw each other after, it felt like she taught me even more after.
Even though I didn't have her, she was still my inspiration. I never really thought we'd get back together, but the only reason I ever improved myself was if by some miracle it did happen, I was going to be the best I could be for her. I wouldn't make the same mistakes.
Even though we didn't get back together, I still realized she made me the best person I could be
My heart may be filled with love for her, but now I'm able to give it away to someone else.
For five years, I've been trying to figure out how to get her back. But I've finally realized that I can't control that, because I can't control her; and that's why I love her so much.
I was finally able to face her, if only in my dreams. I showed her my feelings, and she rejected them. It hurt for a second, but then it came to me:
"That's fine. You have your feelings, and I have mine. We may never share the same feelings again, but I can't keep them to myself anymore."
♡Sugar☆World☮ 