“I love you” to “I care for you”
I had no idea how bad my trauma still is.
I’ve had so many times “come to terms” with pain and loss
But then the next time always reminds me of the massive scary
I’m doing much better,
But I’m still overwhelmed
And how easy it is to be thrown off balance
It takes all I am to regulate these feelings
But even though it’s overwhelming
The fact that I’m
….
“At least I’m not numb”
Now that I’m not getting my life together for her, I can start getting my life together for me.
I should have been the entire time, but I’ve always done things for others rather than myself.
Children are too young to begin sacrificing themselves for a greater good.
A self has now ascended, and his protégé l has taken his place in Enlightenment. He is looking to make an immediate impact.
Maybe I could find someone to talk with if I just stopped talking to myself.
Am I relying on you too much? Am I taking more of you than I have any right? I wanted you all to myself; how selfish to try to steal your beauty from the world. We became so close – so strong the connection that our spirits began to intertwine. I gave myself to her, and she gave herself to me.
But what now? Can thing just go back to normal? Is it ok we spend so much time together? Will our spirits remain one, or will they be sheered apart? Do we need to take ourselves back from each other? How would we even do that, and what would it look like?
I still have a lot of growing up to do. A true man isn’t a slave to wants; he is it’s master. He does not fear desire; respects it. I can do neither. I fear my wants, because I lose myself when I give into desire. I’ve said happiness for her is what I want most, and I still believe that. But I wanted her so bad I was willing to hurt her. I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship until I figure out how not to hurt the ones I love.
Have you noticed that timing never seems to be right until you realize it had perfect timing leading up to that specific point?
It’s such a bizarre feeling. That part of me that was madly in love with her has moved on from this world. She was his purpose, and he no longer had an anchor to this world.
And now there’s me. I inherited this mess. This place is filled with love meant for her alone
Did I ever really believe she’d choose me over him? Or is that the birth of the lie to myself.
My love for her grows everyday, and I don’t mean it in the romantic or poetic way. I genuinely experience the birth of new love of her. I notice the moment when my heart stops, as does my entire world around me. I never get bored of talking with you, because I will always have more love for you.
I’m still experiencing it now. I was worried, but now my love actually grows far greater. But there is a difference to this love. It is now an absolute love. Most love is dependent on the relationship between the people, and therefore changes as the relationship does. But an absolute love like mine cannot be manipulated by persons. I will love you absolutely no matter who we become, but I will give it to you whichever way brings you the most happiness.
It’s so lonely.
I feel his residuals
His fears
Desires
Virtues
Vices
His jealousy of what was never his
His anger at his weakness to let go
His shame in yet another failure
The only time I experience fear, there’s nothing there to be afraid of. Maybe it’s not that I fear of the monsters I see. Maybe it’s that I fear those monsters hidden in my infinite ignorance.
Or maybe it’s because I feel a monster in the empty room, and I wondet if it’s the one in me
I decided to deal with these feelings by never having them. A bad idea when I don’t have that option anymore.
I’m tired of experiencing the process alone.
Why am I afraid that every text from her will be the last?
I can believe in everything but myself.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 