(untitled note) | 9 September 2021
“No matter what, it’s going to be messy with me.”
Life is messy, and so will be every other good thing I pursue.
(untitled note) | 9 September 2021
The one you love is still alive,
But he’s taking a break right.
(untitled note) | 11 September 2021
I didn’t lie when I said I’d always love you. I will. But I can’t have you in my life when you don’t know what you want.
I’ll always be here, but I’d prefer if you came back when you actually want me.
…
Go learn to love your husband like you do me. That’s the only way you’ll be happy. I’m an anchor dragging you to my hell.
Don’t fucking say that’s not true. I’m tired of being lied to. I’m an anchor. And the depths of the ocean I drag you to will swallow everything you actually care about.
Go be happy. Go have a good marriage. I’m nothing but trouble and misery. Don’t fucking say otherwise.
I can’t have you keep regretting me.
…
“Make a decision unless it’s not one I like”
-Brittany C••••••
…
This is why I didn’t want to visit you.
…
I can’t stay inside anymore. I have to go. The dark is too much, the light is falling. My prison is open. Now I just need to leave.
I hope to see you one day again. I hope you escape your prison. But I owe it to myself to not keep locking myself in the abyss.
(untitled note) | 11 September 2021
You don’t understand me. You called me Noah when I told you I was Milton
(untitled note) | 12 September 2021
I haven’t showered since Wednesday.
I’ve been dissociated since Thursday.
I last ate Friday.
And I was drunk all Saturday.
Quite a full week of being a loser.
Advice | 12 September 2021
If you’re not going to use the truth, you don’t get to keep it.
Look towards the circle.
You need a lesson on prisons again.
You’re listening to yourself again. Yes, this is you. I am you. Trust yourself more. You might act like an idiot sometimes, but you’re not stupid.
“You make your mistakes, your mistakes never make you.”
“What do I desire?”
“Go through the worst to reach the ecstacy.”
Important words to understand | 13 September 2021
Good
Bad
Want
Need
Prefer
Back on track | 13 September 2021
• Room
• Car
• Medicine
• Pay
• New job
• Psychiatrist
• Therapy
• Doctor
• Workout
(untitled note) | 13 September 2021
I won’t settle for anything less than love.
The reason I know you’re the one is because I don’t have to twist their words for you to fit in their songs. I tried to do it with Hattie’s name, and it always felt wrong. That’s why I never really tried for her again. Because I knew it didn’t feel right even though I wanted it. I knew deep down it couldn’t work.
But that’s why I won’t give up on you. Because deep down I know it could work. Not at the moment, but maybe if the stars align. That’s why even if I can’t walk next to you at the moment, I’ll always be close by.
A chance with you is worth all the effort.
(untitled note) | 13 September 2021
It is my duty in life to help others escape their prisons.
(untitled note) | 14 September 2021
I found my problem. I want what you want. I want you to finally get what you want. But the thing is, you don’t know. And that’s not a problem. That’s human. But since you don’t know what you want, neither do I at the moment. So I’ll let you figure out what you want, and I’ll look for something to keep me busy. Because no matter what, I want you to be happy, and I want to see you happy.
My Weakness | 14 September 2021
You are my weakness in the best way possible. I care about you so much. I can accept almost anything in life. But I can’t accept a world where you’re not happy. Your happiness is what I truly want more than anything. You give me a reason to live, because you give me a reason to fear death, or rather hope it comes later rather than sooner.
I want you to know that I was never angry with you. I was angry at myself. I was insane with self hatred. I wanted to hurt myself. But my greatest pain is seeing you hurt. And the part of me that wanted to hurt me used that against me. That’s why I need to take some time to grow. To be stronger than that part of me. So that I don’t let that happen ever again. I can’t let that happen ever again.
Because you are my weakness in the best way possible, and I never want to change that. And I never want to lose you. So the only way I can keep you in my life is if I become stronger; if I become a better person. And that’s one thing I know that I can promise.
(untitled note) | 14 September 2021
I want to explain to you what happened this week. What happened Saturday. I’ve been analyzing it, trying to find all my trips and missteps, and what caused them. But I don’t want you to think I’m trying to excuse myself. I’m not. My actions are my own, and I take responsibility for them. No one made me act other than myself. I can’t control my feelings. No one should. But I need to control my actions. There is no reason that excuses my actions. I just want to find the reasons so that I can stop it when I see the signs again.
If I’m honest, one of the reasons that I need to give myself space is because I just got out of the prison you’re in, and I saw myself locking myself in again just to be with you. I want to help you unlock your own prison, but nothing good comes to either of us if I lock myself in with you. I want you more than anything, but I’m being unfair to myself my throwing myself into the abyss again for such selfish reasons.
9-14-21 | 14 September 2021
It feels good to make progress again
(untitled note) | 14 September 2021
I have 3 questions for you:
What is God?
Who is God?
How are those questions different?
More questions
Are you ready to move past this?
Am I?
What do you desire?
(untitled note) | 14 September 2021
I still want you. I just realize my path to you isn’t so straight. I tried to take a shortcut, but I’m ready to go the right way now. I can’t be by your side the whole time, no matter how much I want to. I can’t tell you where to go, no matter how much I wish I could. I have to trust you’ll find your way and meet me at our end.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 