“Good Parent” Letter

I’ll tell you now: you won’t get better as long as you’re afraid of making a fool of yourself. The thing is, you’re human. That means you’re already a fool. You’re gonna make mistakes. So make mistakes, and make them often. You don’t know what you need to work on until you know what you suck at.

And while you’re at it, stop worrying about being an asshole. It’s distracting. You’re putting yourself in two minds, but accomplishing neither’s goal. No matter what, some people are going to think you’re an asshole. But fuck them, they don’t know you, and they’ll get over it – probably forget about it by dinner.

You’re not an asshole for demanding respect and autonomy. Even beyond that: you’re not necessarily an asshole for lashing out at someone right now. You’re not looking for an excuse to be careless or cruel. You just want to feel better, and there are more options out there to try still. So, you aren’t asking for the impossible. You’re just asking for help.

So stop apologizing for existing. You didn’t ask to be put here. You didn’t design your body. You didn’t write your DNA code or pick a gender. You woke up for the first time one day and then were told to figure it out. You didn’t choose the circumstances of your beginning, nor what pieces you were given to build the foundation of your life. You just did your best with whatever cards you were dealt.

And here’s the thing: you didn’t choose to be taken advantage of and abused either. I know you still doubt what you’re experiencing. You’re searching your memories for any sign that points to a certain yes/no. But memories are fickle storytellers and, at best, unreliable.

“Was it really that bad? Was it real at all? I’m just being dramatic. It must just be all in my head. I barely even notice it most of the time. Stop looking for attention; I know I’ve handled waaay worse.”

And just like that, you gaslight yourself into thinking this is the new normal. It becomes the default process to question the validity of your discomfort. There’s a new filter placed over your lens of reality. Now, every “ow” after a stubbed toe ends in a “?” rather than a “!”.

You won’t find the answers you’re looking for in the past, so focus on the present. Look at yourself now, right this moment. Pretend like you just woke up with no context. You don’t know the story behind what you’re feeling, just that you are. What do you feel? Do you feel good? Do you feel happy? Do you feel satisfied? It probably feels like the textbook definition of trauma and ptsd, or something similar. So it doesn’t matter if you were actually abused or where the trauma came from. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. You are suffering now. And that’s all that really matters.