After last night, I woke up to the reality that I was trying to ignore. I love you so very much. And you love me so very much. And I’ve decided for certain I’m going to marry you, just not at the moment. I don’t know how it will happen, or when it will, but I do know for certain we’ll be together. And we will get there the right way; the way where our perfect love won’t be tainted and perverted by guilt and deceit. I wanted our love now, but I was being impatient. We’ll be together in a way that no one is hurt, whatever that may be.
We will get to experience our love, and when we do, we will both have ascended beyond the prisons of trauma. But that might take a lifetime. I don’t know why, but 66 and 81 pop into my head when I think of us. Maybe that’s when our time will be right.
And for one last time for awhile, I want to tell you the most important words I’ll say:
I love you.
More than anything, anyone, or even life itself. I would take on infinity itself if it meant you were waiting at the end. You are my divine feminine, my perfect goddess. My other half. The one whose cracked edges fit like puzzle pieces with my own.
Please remember that you are perfect as you are; and no, that’s not because I’m biased :). We all agree on you, which is why this is hard, but which is also why it’s worth it. I’m never going to stop loving you, so you better never stop loving me 🙂
But give your love to M now. Have a good life with him. He can and will take care of you. I hate admitting it, but I really can’t right now. I’m so jealous I could never take you on a trip like the one you’re on now, because you deserve those nice things. I let self-pity anchor me here, but now I’ve turned my jealousy and self-pity into motivation; I’m not going to give up on life’s race when the finish line is just over the horizon. I had accepted mediocrity until I experienced your perfection.
I’m gonna root for you and M. I hope for your happiness, and that he’s the husband you deserve. I’ve accepted he won the race. You’re with him, and I shouldn’t get in the way of that. But I also want you to know that if something happens, whatever it may be, where you are no longer together, know that I will not miss my chance again. I would propose to you today if I could. I dream of the night where I get on one knee and give you my love that goes beyond infinity. Maybe one day if the stars align, but if not, at least you know you will always be my first choice.
And try not to worry too much about where my life will take me. I honestly don’t think I’m meant to have an easy and blissful life. Not in a depressing way, though. A quote that has always stuck with me is “don’t ask for an easy life; ask for the strength to overcome a difficult one.”
I don’t know why, but my purpose is going to require me to be strong beyond imagination. I don’t know what it is, and it gets scarier as time marches towards the inevitability of fate. But a feeling of certainty was born alongside me, and that certainty told me I will meet my fate. If not for the obligations to my role, then for the promise of “Us” that comes at the end of my duty to this world.
I jest about seeing the future, but there really are things I’ve see. I said before that there are infinite realities with infinite possibilities; so many so that knowing every detail of the process requires access to infinity. However, it’s much simpler to find the conclusion of the process. I’ve scoured through all of the infinite realities we exist together, and though the time we exist together varies, there’s one constant in all of them: our final thoughts are each other. If the culmination of my life leads my final thoughts to you, then I know that I experienced a worthwhile life.
I’m finally ready to be the best friend you deserve. I’m not going to hurt you anymore, and I’ll work towards a life you don’t have to worry about for me. You saved me from my abyss, and now you’re lifting me into heaven. You are my goddess, for only a goddess could wrestle my soul from the abyss of death itself.
This was supposed to be a short note for you, but I realized how much I needed to say to you. There’s still so much more to say, but we’ll have plenty of time now that I’m not hiding my words from myself.
I guess this is the last time for awhile that I’ll be able to say these words, so if you ever need a reminder about how I feel about you, or just how incredible you are in general, come back here, and you will hear my voice and feel my love:
~
Brittany.
You're my inspiration
It brings color to my eyes,
Music to my ears,
Perfumes to my nose,
Gourmets to my mouth,
And ecstasy to my whole being.
~
The reason we’ll have a lifetime together is because that’s how long it will take me to capture these feelings – feelings belonging to gods and divinity. Feelings that can only come from infinity. But yet I found them from you. That’s when I realized that you were infinite, because you are my everything and more. You are not just my love; you are my Truth.
I want to say so much more, because these words barely scratch the surface of your immaculate beauty, intelligence, and your overflowing well of kindness. I love everything about you, and I’m not gonna let you talk bad about the girl I love 😉
So hopefully after all of that I got the flirting out of my system. I don’t want you to think that my feelings have changed or will ever change just because I don’t say it. And when we’ve grown enough, we’ll be able to tell each other how we feel without falling into the same traps. So until then, know I’m ending every conversation with a silent “I love you.”
Thank you for giving me my life back. I promise I won’t throw it away again. I’ll trip again and again, but as long as I know you’re with me on life’s odyssey, then I’ll be able to stand back up until I reach the top.
I’ve written what feels like 10 conclusion paragraphs. I would write my love into words forever if I could, but I need to do more than just write words; I need to prove my love with my actions. So the rest of this letter to you will be our life together.
I don’t know how to end this letter, or rather I don’t want to. I feel like I finally have been able to be honest to you and myself. But although Love is infinite, we aren’t so lucky with time. So instead of trying to write down every word racing through infinity, I decided to pick my favorite words I found while searching through our futures:
“I love you, Brittany Sweet”
♡Sugar☆World☮ 