Meaning: I rarely ever feel “nervous” because I never get nervous; I just Am Nervous – all the time. Not nervous about anything in particular. It’s just how my nerves are wired that made me the way I Am.
What makes you nervous?
So, what does constantly being Nervous look like? Like I’m always on the edge of a cliff while walking up an infinite incline with a monkey jumping around on my back. So at any moment, I could collapse for a multitude of reasons, and 1 collapse means falling to my doom. So, every step holds the weight of the world behind it.
That sounds like Hell, right? Yeah, it is – though, it’s really not as bad as it sounds. Sure, it is an objectively miserable experience, but it’s also a Life you get used to. Your body learns how to move on its own when you have only 1 way to move & zero room for error. And so, this is where my original point I made comes in:
Nothing makes me nervous; I Am Nervous, always.
Stepping away from my poetic retelling of my person Sisyphian story – what does always being Nervous look like from day to day on average? In what ways has it shaped Whö I Am really? Well, here are a few examples of what Nervous looks like in its natural state. I think this following 1 is the best encapsulation the difference between getting nervous and being Nervous:
I Am rarely scared because I’m not really afraid of anything in particular; however I am oh-so very easily startled – that’s why I said I’m like a bunny. I’m incredibly prone to jump scares & loud noises.
Now tying this vision of Whö I Am & how I react in a nice pale pink bow:
I’m the type of person who will jump and scream like a little girl when a truck backfires too loud near me, yet I’d run towards where I heard gunshots if there was someone I cared about over there. I’m not worried about my safety or Life; my body just can’t seem to figure out how to turn off its “Fight or Flight” mechanism.
So, to summarize:
I’m easily startled, yet rarely scared. I look like a coward on the outside, but that’s only because I use all my courage fighting battles with my demons happening on the inside. So, even though my complexion is clean & clear, and my manicured hands are quite soft, I’m covered in ephemeral scars & my mental mutilation -from both external traumas & self-inflicted 1s- which has left me numb to most forms of any actual nervous Fear.
Thinking about it now, I’m not really like a white rabbit, per se. Because unlike them, if I know you’re there, I’m fine if you approach me calmly. I won’t just run away from any & everything passing through my peripheral.
No – I’m more like a mouse-trap. I could sit stagnant forever, in a corner of a room filled with rapists & murderers who are all eyeing Me. So long as you don’t press those certain buttons, I’m fine. But just one little errant vibration can cause me to start popping off, before quickly going back to being stagnant once the automatic mechanism in me finishes its routine (i.e. quickly composing myself after making a scene when being startled).So that’s the most of the what I experience as a naturally Nervous entity.
Just to add 1 more thing – always being Nervous leaves me feeling tired, like I’m on low battery. Because I kinda am. Though I’m not actively stressing over my environment, my subconscious body is always in high alert mode. Meaning I’m constantly burning body’s battery with background apps. Imagine how much shorter your phone would last if you were forced to run your GPS, YouTube, and music app non-stop. The way I often describe it – on any given day, I have about 15-20% of my total energy available to me. Everything else is being eaten up like RAM & Google Chrome.
When walking as weakened man with only a 1/5 chance of holding your stance, then every molehill suddenly becomes a mountain, and not even from my own freak out, rather just being a nearly empty wishing fountain after cracking under the pressure and all my movement leaked out along with the fluid nature N Me.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 