She sounds lovely!
I can see why you loved her. I’m really sorry it didn’t work out for the two of you.
It definitely hurt losing her, but the more I look back, the more I feel it was worth it.
I learned so much from her when we were together, but even though we rarely saw each other after, it felt like she taught me even more after. She was gone, but she was still my inspiration.
I never really thought we’d get back together, but the only reason I ever improved myself was if by some miracle it did happen, I was going to be the best I could be for her. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. Even though we didn’t get back together, I still realized she made me the best person I could be.
That’s such a mature outlook on things. I wish everyone looked at their previous relationships through this lens. I think there would be a whole lot less animosity.
I know that not everyone can say the same about past relationships, but even just looking at the relationship as “what can I take with me from this” is really emotionally mature.
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I’m glad that you were able to make improvements on yourself and that you were able to experience real love even if it didn’t end ideally.
I’m excited for whatever comes next for you!
That’s nice to hear.
For the longest time I felt like a pathetic love-sick kid, so hearing that I sound emotionally mature definitely means I’m going in the right direction.
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And you’re right about getting the chance to experience true love. As you said, it didn’t end the way I wanted, but I couldn’t have had a more perfect experience.
I think part of moving forward is being able to talk about these experiences freely with gratefulness. It sounds like you’re able to do that really well.
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Do you think you’ll ever share these with her?
Funny story, I just did
Really? Did she respond?
Not yet. I can tell she’s at least reading them, because my blog views keep going up
Hahah, that’s funny that you’re able to tell based on that.
Well I hope she responds well.
Me too, but I’m fine if not. Knowing that she’s seen them is more than I could have asked for a few days ago
That makes me happy to hear.
It’s kinda funny, but you saying that makes me happy too. I’ve also shared my writing with my best friend from college, and he said something similar.
It feels really good that my words and actions aren’t hurting those I care about anymore
Do you believe that you were hurting other people with your actions outside of just her?
It was more that I knew people cared about me, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about myself.
I remembered how I felt when those I loved were in pain, and I felt guilty because I could see the worry and pain in their eyes when I was with them.
I think that’s why I isolated myself from everyone. I couldn’t let myself hurt them. But now I realize I was being selfish, because that must have hurt them even more
That makes a ton of sense. I always wanted to ask you, but didn’t want you to feel as if I was guilting or condemning you. Thanks for helping me understand. I’m sorry you felt like you needed to isolate yourself, I can’t imagine what that was like.
I’m glad I could help you understand, and maybe it will help you in the future with your counseling
I do store away these experiences to help serve me in my future endeavors, hah.
One solace I have for experiencing it now, is that I still had the strength to fight it, even though it was never a fair fight.
I don’t want to know what would have happened if I was 30 or 40 when this happened. Mid-life crises make a lot more sense now.
Yeah, I bet they do! Haha I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later as well.
If you ever feel the urge to do it again, please let me know and I’ll remind you of these conversations. 😉
Thanks! Hopefully I never do, but I’ll know I can go to you if I need
Also, I think she blocked me. I kinda expected it, because that’s a lot to drop on someone at one time. But I’m satisfied I was able to say everything that I wanted at one time
Interesting response. Did things end poorly between the two of you?
No, it was just one of those things that didn’t work out. There wasn’t a fight, and we never fought during our relationship. She just felt she needed space at the time, and I guess she just never needed to come back
That really sucks….
At least with a fight there’s something to kind of pin it on, but when things end civilly I think it makes it almost harder in some ways.
I applaud you for attempting to make amends. I have a hard time with relationships just ending. I like to know that even though I may not talk much or even at all with certain people, that we both respect and think fondly of each other. It’s a bummer when other people don’t desire that, too.
That really was one of the hardest parts. I couldn’t be mad at her. I didn’t want to be. And even when I tried, it was never real anger. It was just me lying to myself.
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I think it’s harder to end a relationship without anger, because anger is probably the closest to love in terms of its effects on us. It can fill the void left behind, at least partially. But without it, you’re just empty.
I’m really intrigued by your comment about anger being the closest thing to love.
Can you expound upon that?
I’ve thought a lot about this, and I’ll have to go through old notes to get it perfectly right.
But it’s kinda like the saying “two sides of the same coin.” Anger and love are birthed from the same base feeling, it’s just how you react to it.
It’s impossible to ignore either emotion. They make you act.
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I guess the base emotion is inspiration. Something to drive you forward. Something that affects you at such a base level that denying them is equivalent to denying your existence.
Ah. Thats deep. I’ve never thought about it from that perspective, but it makes a TON of sense.
That’s also why I tell people not to hate people they don’t like. It’s better to just not care about them.
Feeling hate is saying that you care about them enough to devote your time and energy to them. And just like love, it must be expressed unless you want it to eat you from the inside. But unlike love, hate tends to be destructive to everyone involved. You can express it, but the best you can hope for is to feel the emptiness and dissatisfaction left by the expulsion of such a powerful emotion.
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But it’s important to know that hate isn’t bad. We need hate as much as love, it’s just that we need to be more careful with it. We should save our hate for injustice, cruelty, evil. It still will leave a scar, but at least you can be proud of that scar. That scar means you stood for something that was important.
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Another similarity between hate and love, is that they’re both self-propogating. Love leads to more love. Hate leads to more hate.
How would you advise someone from stopping themselves from hating?
A lot of self-reflection and willpower. You have to learn what’s important to you, and you must feel satisfied with being the bigger person.
It feels good to hate in the moment, but it poisons you. It’s kinda like alcohol in that sense. A little is fine, and can even help sometimes, but addiction to it will lead to misery and an early death – whether that death be physical or emotional.
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This is getting to a little different but related topic: there are three aspects of being/self: physical, mental, and spiritual. They all work together to make you who you are, and they each have their own health. To fight hate, you must be equally healthy in all three.
What’s difficult about hate, and even more so depression, is that it can start in one aspect of your being, and then spread and corrupt the others.
You can start thinking about hating someone, but eventually hate will start affecting you spiritually and physically. You lose that inexplainable part of you known as your spirit, then you lose the will to take care of yourself physically. And if you can’t take care of yourself physically, then your mind will soon follow.
It’s a vicious cycle, because even if you’re able to make one aspect of your being healthy, if you don’t take care of all of them quickly enough, then the healthy part will just get corrupted again.
Yes! That reminds me of the bio/psycho/social/spiritual idea that we talk a lot about in counseling.
So would it be fair to say that your take on fighting hate is to actively attend to your whole self?
Most definitely.
It’s kinda like the idea “you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others.”
If you aren’t fulfilled as a person, you won’t be able to do anything else until you are. Even if you try to give back to the world, all you’ll be able to do is to take from it, thinking that somehow something outside of you will be able to fix something inside of you.
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The most difficult thing about staying healthy is that each aspect of being is more difficult to notice than the next.
Everyone can see when you’re physically unhealthy. Those close to you can see when you’re mentally unhealthy. But only you can truly know if you’re spiritually unhealthy.
And a big problem is our world has a fundamental misunderstanding of spirituality.
That’s why there’s so much suffering. We neglect our spirit until our body and mind fails.
I think I agree with a lot of what you’re saying. It’s helpful to gain another persons perspective on it.
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I think I have been awfully tempted to hate recently and I want to be proactive about fighting it, but not entirely sure what that looks like. Well maybe I did, but I didn’t know how to put it into words.
I like how you put that. The “maybe I did” part.
I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit with how much we actually do understand about the universe, both inside and outside of us. I forget who it was, but a philosopher once said that we never really learn anything, but rather remember it.
It’s just that what’s easy to describe from one aspect is almost impossible from another. That’s why I love poetry. You feel something in your spirit, you form the words in your mind, and then you bring it into the physical world when you write. Writing poetry let’s you adress all aspects of you in one action.
That’s a beautiful way of describing poetry.
That thought forces me to think about the things I enjoy in my own life and wonder if I invest time into anything that allows me to be connected to all parts of myself simultaneously.
I think you probably do; you just might not be aware of it. Just think about how you best express yourself!
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Also, if you ever need help with hate or anger, I’m always here to help.
Thank you. I appreciate it. I struggle with it in my personal life, but I’m realizing I also struggle with it in my professional life as well.
I know exactly what you mean. I definitely struggle, but I try to remember that they were once a child who was probably failed by those who were supposed to care for them.
I can’t excuse certain actions, and I don’t feel negative emotions when their actions finally come back to bite them. But I never let myself feel positive emotions when something bad happens.
When something bad happens to them, I try to feel remorse. Because I think it’s important that when you see someone who acts in a way you disagree with, that you don’t wish for pain and punishment for them, but rather that they’ll lead from their mistakes, and become the good person that everyone is able to be.
That’s funny that you say that.
I was spending a lot of time today challenging my own thoughts, and one of the things I told myself to do was to picture one of my clients as a parent, and the likelihood of them causing their children pain is a lot greater just given their experiences, and I was able to extend even the smallest amount of empathy towards their parents.
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Yeah, I know people hold the capacity for change. Otherwise I wouldn’t be pursuing this kind of work. I think of some of my greatest failures and shortcomings and how desperate I was for grace and forgiveness… that helps
♡Sugar☆World☮ 
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