Thanks for sharing all of that with me. I’m sorry you felt as though you had to hide behind a mask. That had to have been really isolating..
Is that something you still find yourself struggling with?
I say I still struggle with it. I think becoming “self-aware” is my way to address the disconnect. It’s something I can’t undo, but I can have more control and understanding of myself.
Yeah, that’s fair. I’m still sorry that that’s something you have to face. I think you’re great!
Thanks!
I also think that more people experience this than we’re aware. They think success = correct, so “winning” becomes their only goal in life. Eventually, you realize you don’t know what “winning” is or means.
Ooo, great outlook!! I bet it does help you extend empathy.
I do agree that most people probably struggle with this. Sometimes listening to people my mind is blown by the inconsistencies that they don’t seem to be aware of.
This is a thought I had a couple days ago that is kinda similar to that:
‘Maybe that’s why I had so much self-hate. My passion has always been poetry, but I was told poetry lame, girly, stupid, etc. I was afraid to be called that, so I refused to accept what I was doing was poetry, even though all the signs were there.
So instead of pursuing poetry, I pursued something that I was good at, but not passionate about. That’s how I ended going to school for engineering, because that’s what impressive and successful people do, and I wanted to be impressive and successful.’
I guess I kinda have a better understanding of why there are so many people who are homosexual that absolutely hate other homosexuals. The fear of ridicule is so ingrained in them, that they actively and extremely pursue the opposite of it.
So very true!!!
The ability to lie, whether to yourself or others, so forcefully and continually that a lie becomes indistinguishable from the truth is one of the scariest things people are able to do. It’s basically like gaslighting yourself.
Our minds are so powerful.
So true. Our minds are ruled by logic, but being able to reject the logic of the world and replace it with your own is so interesting to me. It’s basically your mind creating its own pocket of reality. This is one of those things that really drove me to philosophy. Philosophy, in a sense, is developing and manipulating the logic of your reality. It’s a scary powerful tool that can be very much abused.
The best way to lie is to hide it among the truth.
Makes me wonder if I’m severely morphing my own reality and not even aware of it. Freaks me out a bit.
I think I’m self aware, but am I???
It’s definitely a scary thought. That’s a big reason I started putting my thoughts online, and why I’m trying to share them with more people.
It’s easier to recreate reality alone, but it’s harder when there’s outside influence. But even with outside influence, it’s still impossible to know for certain. That’s where this line in my introduction came from:
“An insane person lost in a delusion thinks he’s sane. He can create an entire new reality within his mind – ignorant to the true reality around him.
“I had reached a frightening crossroad on my philosophical journey. I could no longer prove my sanity.
“The more extraordinary the philosophy, the more extraordinary the critique that must be applied to it. I have very strict rules and standards that help me determine sanity, but there is no real way to know if they are actually valid. I have been forced to consider my sanity, and in trying to prove it, have been left in a state of absolute uncertainty.”
I really like that quote. You word things well!
I see what you mean about having outside influence. Another reason counseling is beneficial. 😉
I very much agree with the counseling. The fear of mental illness has lead to a mental health pandemic. We’re starting to become more understanding and accepting of it, but I can’t wait for when seeking therapy/counseling becomes the norm rather than an embarrassing exception.
The world needs to know that mental illness isn’t a weakness, just another challenge that we must face head-on so that we don’t fall into the trap of delusion.
Yes, yes, yes! Preach!
Have you ever gone to therapy?
Yeah, I’ve been seeing someone once a week for awhile now. He’s someone who has really helped me come to terms with myself.
Therapy has somewhat become a safe place where I can test my sanity with someone I trust enough, both in terms of trusting his understanding of psychology and in his reactions to these potentially insane thoughts. He lets me work through my thoughts, but acts as a safety net if I let them run too wild
That’s so great!!! Love to hear that 🙂
I’m glad you have that.
I’ve seen plenty of therapists and the one I’m seeing now has been an interesting experience
Interesting in a good way?
I’ve seen a few before him, and none of them were what I needed.
No. It’s been a frustrating experience. Tomorrow is actually my last session with her.
She was like let’s try EMDR, so I was like cool. Then she stopped that after one experience. Then she led me to believe I have OCD, but didn’t go through the process to give me proper diagnosis and I asked repeatedly for that, but she never did.
Now we just talk about stuff and I don’t feel like she ever challenges me which is what I need sometimes and she asks good questions, but I don’t feel like I’ve made significant progress and if I have made any I think that was on my own doing.
I know that sounds really critical, but it’s been really frustrating for me.
What do you need in a therapist?
I needed someone who genuinely listened to me. I didn’t feel like he was studying, but understanding me. It wasn’t “you check all of these boxes, so you have this kind of crazy.” It was a much more gentle and caring approach.
But I definitely understand the frustration of feeling like you’re not being challenged enough. He’s a great listener, but sometimes I wanted him to push harder when it was obvious there was something more I was hiding in me.
Eventually I felt like I wasn’t making progress, and I began thinking “why won’t he ask me this question” or “why can’t he tell that I’m avoiding this topic?”
But then it hit me. I didn’t need him to ask those questions. It was a very painful experience, but I learned how to ask myself the questions I knew I needed, and then answer them truthfully to myself. If I still felt wrong inside, I knew I was lying to myself, or at the very least not being entirely truthful. He wasn’t there to solve my problems, but more to act as a key to help unlock my self-awareness.
And I wouldn’t say you’re being too critical. She may be a therapist, but she’s also human. No matter what qualifications she has, it doesn’t mean she’s faultless in her practices and opinions.
I’m personally very critical about many psychiatrists. Too many of them think that mental health can be addressed with medicine alone, and I ended up not giving medication a chance to help me since I felt like I wasn’t being respected.
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♡Sugar☆World☮ 