2020 thoughts and questions [26 December 2019 – 13 February 2020]
• What’s worse: someone doing something evil to accomplish something good, or someone doing something good to accomplish something evil?
• Visualization: line (1D), plane (2D), and space (3D)
• Intelligence is when you know something. Wisdom is when you know you don’t know something.
• Another way to look at intelligence/wisdom: wisdom is one’s capacity to learn something, where intelligence is utilizing the holding capacity of wisdom.
• Just because something makes you feel bad or uncomfortable doesn’t mean it is bad.
• The reason I’m best suited for second in command rather than first is that I know how to succeed, but I don’t care if I do; I have put my usefulness over my happiness.
• I’m incredibly good at manipulation, which is both a blessing and a curse. However, Noah is incredibly stubborn, which is both a blessing and a curse.
• I know how to be happy, but I want to be happy for the right reasons, and right now that’s not possible.
• I need someone trustworthy to validate me.
• I think it’s funny and oddly fitting that autistic and artistic are so similar words
• Comedy is more about making a puzzle easy enough to understand, but hard enough to stimulate the mind
• You are more than your feelings. You are your reactions to your feelings
• Hate is a less volatile form of love, that’s why love is good for growth and change, while hate is good for sustainability. However, both love and hate have downsides if left unchecked. Improper use of love will spoil, while improper use of hate will decay.
• Insanity isn’t a mental illness. Lack of control of insanity is.
• People diagnosed with autism are the ones the system can’t beat the creativity out of. The only reason I’m not diagnosed is because I’m smart enough to hide my creativity from those who don’t want me to have it.
• I exist outside of my body.
• Anxiety is the state of living in constant fear for your life. Every conversation has an invisible man standing behind you, waiting to pull the trigger the moment you say the wrong thing.
• Right now I’m trying to pick the lock to my mind, but it would be much easier if I could find the key.
• Just because something is dangerous does not mean it’s reckless
• I’m being held back because I’m doing so much extra work that normal people don’t have to do.
• You can’t feel something that you are not, but a lot of things feel similar to each other.
• I’m too self aware for my own good
• Why do we hold our peers to higher standards than our leaders?
• The difference between hating the person themself or the role they play.
• My internal philosophy is often times at conflict with the external world.
• I don’t care what you believe; I care why you believe it, and how you came to that conclusion
• I need to help to be happy
• The answer to most questions is “it depends”
• I want a pure light that won’t be afraid of or corrupted by my darkness. Or maybe I need a darkness that can live with mine.
• It’s frustrating to have so many answers that no one wants to listen to.
• A lot of my stress comes from being pulled in two directions constantly. I’m simultaneously living in the world and the metaworld.
• A self can exist in only one reality at a time. But you can simultaneously live in multiple realities by creating multiple selves
• I traumatize myself as a learning tool. It’s hard to forget something when it leaves a mental scar. Ironically, this made me really good at handling trauma caused by others
• You don’t have to be an asshole, but I have to feel this way
• Smart people get good grades. Geniuses don’t, but unfortunately neither do idiots so it’s hard to tell the difference.
• Anti intellectualism is partly due to the intellectuals. If those with knowledge treated those without knowledge with kindness and patience, then there would not be a divide. Being presented with things you don’t understand can be really scary, and if not handled correctly, will cause people to instinctively hate anything they don’t understand.
• Philosophy is the combination of science and art.
• If science is the study of the physical world, then art is the study of the non/metaphysical world.
• A problem I have with a lot of people who take pride in their identity as an atheist isn’t that they don’t believe in God (I don’t even know if I believe in God), it’s just that they often times make really dumb claims/evidence and think they’re so much smarter and superior to others just because they believe in God.
• The world is dieing and we’re letting them kill us.
• Love and hate are the same in that giving it to someone else doesn’t take away from yourself. If you give someone love, you both have love in you. If you give someone hate, you both have hate in you. You cannot give either away, only multiply it
• The physical world exists as an example of how a non physical world works
• It’s funny how the scientific world is following the same path of corruption the religious world experienced a few hundred years ago, and ironic how oblivious many of them are that they’re turning science into a religion.
• What you think about others says your about you than it does about them
• Maybe it’s not that I don’t believe in good and evil, it’s that I don’t believe in absolute good and evil
• Bad is the opposite of good. Evil is the perversion of good.
• The way evil best succeeds is when it goes itself among good.
• Everyone is an idiot, but too few people are smart enough to realize it.
• We create our own problems by ignoring others’ problems.
• Morality exists to expose hypocrisy
• Adults typically are mentally and emotionally inflexible
• God does not speak in human language
• I understand why genies are dicks when granting wishes. Imagine you have the cosmic power to manipulate reality in any way, but all anyone asks for are material things and money.
• Being a leader of the system or being a slave is the system
• The world is and will always be a great place. Unfortunately it’s not a good place right now.
• How sightedness affects mental health. Near sighted leads to depression while far sighted leads to anxiety
• People are interesting because we’re good at being bad, but more often than not, we choose to be good.
• The world is an evil place right now, but there a few truly evil people out there. It is the few that tricks the whole.
• The problem with the world is half the people act without thinking, and the other half think without acting
• The difference between the right answer and a correct answer
• I’ve experienced death, and it felt like peace
• I need to stop pretending to care about things I don’t care about.
Stuff for Donaldson / Week 2 / Week 3 [19-29 January 2020]
• I’m mad because I care about this world too much to give up on it
• It’s tiring trying to fix anything because nothing is broken. Everything is working exactly as intended. Unfortunately it’s intended to only work for a few.
• I know I’m different because life makes more sense and becomes easier when I’m on LSD
• The story of Buddha, and how my life may be mirroring it
• I’m afraid to take the next step because I’m afraid I might be narcissistic
• I want to train people how to realize they’re being manipulated
• Empathy is scary because I feel so many things that I don’t know even belong to me. What am I if I’m not my feelings?
• I want to fight the prison system
• When I dissociate, I’m taking time to figure out what type of person I want to be. It’s scary because almost every time I have to decide not to become a violent psychopath since anger is often times my initial response
• I don’t like to talk to people about my problems because I’m afraid to be forcefully hopitalized by people stupider than me and who can’t comprehend what’s going on in my head. I know myself and my limits a lot better than other people. My parents have done a lot to damage my trust in the world
• The reason I’m so messed up in the head is partly due to my empathy, but also the state of the world. I put myself in the same mindset as the person I’m with so that I can fully understand them. I basically am constantly method acting. I’ve done it for so long it’s hard to tell what parts on my character are me, and what parts are leftover from mimicry. It’s not necessarily bad that I get into the mindset of everyone around me, but when everyone feels equally terrible, there’s a problem in the world.
• I don’t want to be successful, I want to be good
• It’s difficult to talk to people who are afraid of death.
• I practice mental self harm because it’s easier to hide than physical self harm. I wish that people would realize self harm isn’t about attention, it’s about punishing ourselves so that we’re allowed to live even though we don’t want to.
• One of my biggest fears is that I’m a narcissist with a God complex, so I focus on my inadequacies and what I hate about myself so that i don’t lie myself slip into an illusion of grandiose. However, I’ve ended up in an illusion of waste.
• I like to be at 1hp, because that’s when all of my decisions actually matter. If I’m alive I can always come up with another backup plan, but if I’m at a point where failure means death, then I know I will succeed.
• I figured out why I want to be good. Good wants a fair fight, where evil wants to win, so evil will do whatever it can to stack the odds in its favor. Because of this, evil often times wins the battles. But evil cannot win the war. No matter how many battles evil wins, all it takes is one win good to have an absolute win, because there’s no coming back from a fight you lost that you rigged to win.
• In the same way Jesus was a Jew, I am a Christian.
• I’m not sure what I want to do there, but I think I have to go back to Cleveland. It feels like I have unfinished business there.
• The world is dieing and we’re letting them kill it
• Even when compared to not normal people, I’m not normal
• I need somewhere where I can be tested and challenged to prove myself, but I don’t know what I want tested and challenged.
• A constant changing of perspectives makes it hard to act, but easy to advise. I must learn how to advise my own actions.
• Frustrations towards my parents for not handling their own problems
• The world is going to shit, and I’m tired of investing time into things that will just be thrown away because of immoral and incompetent leaders
• I don’t went to hurt anyone anymore, but it seems like the only way to do that is to ignore what I want
• I know the “smart” decisions to make, but those aren’t the ones that I want to do. They’re not smart, they’re safe, boring, and set so anyone can succeed with them. But I’m not everyone; I constantly push myself to the limits, but then I’m forced to stay in the center with everyone else.
• “Any community that gets its laughs by pretending to be idiots will eventually be flooded by actual idiots who mistakenly believe that they’re in good company.” -Rene Descartes
• I need to learn how to respect myself before I can respect others
• The three healths: physical, mental, and spiritual/emotional. I’m an spiritually unconquerable, physically fit yet deteriorating, and mentally a wreck. If not for my incredible spiritual strength, I probably would have killed myself by now. However, my spiritual health is getting dragged down as my mental and physical health degrade.
• If I can get my mental health under control, everything else should hopefully fall in place.
• I always try to look at things from others’ perspectives, but I do it so often and so easily that I forget what my own perspective is
• Life is like a game to me, but some people take it way too seriously.
• I know I am capable of helping, but I haven’t proved it yet, because I haven’t been given the opportunity. That means that if I want to help, I need to make the opportunity myself
• I need to stop doing “good” things for bad reason, and “bad” things for good reasons.
• I think I developed my empathy as a defense mechanism.
• Depression isn’t a disease; it’s a parasite that drains the life away from its host until there is nothing but a shell of the person. I am not my depression, and I will win this fight.
• I am a paradox
• I’m smart enough to know not to act when I’m manic, but it took me until now to realize that I have too many manic episodes to consistently do anything. I think it’s because I somewhat like my manic episodes. They feel like little breaths of inspiration from my genius. I get good ideas, but I know that I don’t have the mentality to follow through with it.
• Instead of acting on my impulses, I stop and analyze them
…
• I wish people judged me by my actions and not the actions of others
• I hate wasted potential. Hate of wasted potential is one of the few reasons I’m still alive
• Goodness is not an excuse for mediocrity
• I’m letting the more impulsive and immature self take control for a while so that he knows
• I need to learn to be an active protagonist
• It’s so hard to escape because the immediate sense of relief almost makes the misery worth it
• I make my mental health worse before I improve it so that I know I’m not faking it
• I learned how to be manipulative in order to know when I’m being manipulated.
• I’m tired of feeling I’m doing something wrong when all I’m doing is what feels right to me
• My parents are the most immediate source of stress, but they’re also my source of security
• I’m a danger to the system because I can’t be bought.
• I don’t like to interact with most people because they act like children, but get mad when you treat them like children. That’s why kids are great. They act the way they’re supposed to.
• I don’t trust people enough to let them help me. If I let someone help me, I’ve already planned for their failure.
…
• Bomb metaphor
• How invasion of privacy affected my development
• How I experience the multiverse, and how I can live and develop in multiple realities simultaneously
• Multiple selves theory
• How lsd merges my selves into 1 self, so I feel complete and not a fraud for once in my life
• How my experimentation into psychology, mental health, and philosophy affect my everyday life
• The last time I wanted something I held on too tight and lost it. Now I just let go before I even have it.
• I need to start believing I’m different. I need to take the risks that different people take.
• The best I have to offer is amazing, but the worst I have to offer is terrifying
• I’m trying to keep a specific part of me alive
• A lot of my frustrations come from the fact that I don’t speak the same language as everyone else, and then many people blame me for them not understanding me.
• Wasted potential disgusts me
• I feel like I’m forced to trade away the things that I care about for the things I don’t want
• I often feel guilty around people because I’m always testing them.
• Sometimes you have to choose an unfamiliar misery before you can choose to be happy
• My struggles come from my indecisiveness. I could be happy as either a hermit or a world leader, but I’m afraid to choose either
• I just want a wife and kid, and a world where they can be happy in
• I lack inspiration to act
• It feels like no one sees the world like I do. How can I talk about my problems when no one sees what I do?
• I see the multiverse while others only see what’s in front of them
• I feel more like an alien or a robot rather than a human
• I need to figure out the character traits I don’t have control over
• I invite the spirits of others to live inside of me
• Seeing the future is a lonely experience
• I feel trapped by my surroundings
• I have plenty of reasons to not die, but I don’t have any reason to live
• I’m being pulled in two
• I don’t want to be successful in an evil world
• My research requires me to do horrible things to people, but I refuse to hurt anyone without consent. So I create people in me and do horrible things to myself.
• I’m weirdly religious for someone who is agnostic
• I want to do something that matters. Something dangerous. Something that if I don’t succeed I don’t come back. But I feel like my life doesn’t belong to me. I don’t care about losing my life, but too many people care about me. Unfortunately them caring about me isn’t keeping me alive, just my heart pumping. Rather, it feels like they’re preventing me from either living or dying. But that’s not true. I’m preventing myself from living, and I need to stop blaming others for my indecision.
• Maybe I should study abroad. Maybe experiencing another culture would reinvigorate me. America is too depressing right now. Sure there are problems all around the world, but maybe some distance will convince me to act.
• A revolution is coming, and I want it to happen. But so much pain, death, and suffering comes from revolution, so I would feel guilty instigating such burden to others.
• One reason I’m afraid to get into a relationship is I’m afraid they’ll want me for my looks, but then reject me for who I am.
• I’m afraid to put myself in a position of power because I’m afraid of abusing that power and becoming everything I hate.
• Am I afraid to be proved wrong, or am I afraid to be proved right.
• Would finding someone who is going through similar struggles benefit me, or will it keep me in my hole longer?
• I don’t feel like I’m a part of the LGBTQ community, but I probably fall under its umbrella
• I think people are starting to subconsciously recognize what is fake and what is real. Hopefully they’ll start to consciously recognize.
• I’m trying to figure out how to make everyone aware without rejecting me out of anger. It’s not that I’m afraid of being rejected, but I feel like smarter people have said what I’ve thought and no one listened to them. So if I can’t come up with something unique, maybe I can make it palatable enough for the public to accept.
• Maybe I need to just commit to an act
• I don’t talk a lot because I don’t want to say something I don’t mean. So many people twist my words to pervert the meaning.
• I want someone who doesn’t make me feel wrong for being weird
• Empathizing with someone doesn’t mean you have to agree with the, just that you recognize how they feel
• People make me lie to make the feel confortable, and then hate me when I try to tell the truth. If no one wants to hear the truth, then I won’t speak.
• How can I happily live in a world filled with so much evil? Sure I could ignore it and focus on only what makes me happy, but that feels wrong.
• I feel like I have all of the answers, they’re just not organized enough to find the when it’s useful.
• Some days I want to save the world, other days I think it would be better off dead
• I isolate myself because I think mental illness is contagious, and I don’t want anyone to experience what I am.
• I make myself depressed as a coping mechanism for anxiety. If I get my anxiety under control, my depression should hopefully follow.
• I find it funny how I set off everyone’s gaydar
• I know how to manipulate, create, destroy, and revive egos. It’s an incredible, but terrifying, power. Power that must not be abused.
• I’m hesitant to move forward right now because I’m too easily manipulated right now. I either need to get stronger mentally, or find someone who will manipulate me for my own good.
• Example of worry: buddha/hindu monk using (technically correct) teachings to excuse murder and war: “you do not kill anyone, you are just a vessel in which the universe takes a knife and puts it in someone else”
• My problem is that I’m different and I’m trying to pretend that I’m not
• I will always put myself last. I don’t see that as a problem. If anything, that’s the trait I’m most proud of. But because of that, I need to find a partner who won’t take advantage of me.
• I finally figured out how to consistently break my addictive episodes: have an unreliable dealer and get a stomach bug that prevents me from drinking alcohol
• The scary thing about addiction is that you don’t realize when you start self medicating
• I’ve been a coward, hiding my fears and problems behind my depression. I don’t want to fix my depression because if I still fail without it, then the failure is my own fault.
• I need to stop unnecessarily stacking the odds against me.
• The problem with me isn’t that I can’t improve myself, it’s that I don’t like myself enough to try to improve myself. I’d rather improve someone else’s life because I feel like they’d actually get something out of it.
• I’ve relied on the lies of the world and of myself for far too long.
• If I want someone ambitious, I need to become ambitious
• I know how to believe in everything, so I don’t believe in anything
• I’m really good at reading people, but I’m not confident enough to trust myself.
• People keep wanting me to care about things I don’t care about
• It’s hard to talk to people who only see part of the picture
• I could be a main character, but I keep rejecting the call.
• There isn’t much that I actually care about. Because of this, I care about the things that the people I care about care about
• I need to stop letting stupid people dictate my actions.
• I don’t want to hide behind my depression, but I must be brave enough to accept help for it
More thoughts [25 February 2020]
• Everything is corruptable. So we must decide what is worth risking getting corrupted (who benefits from it working? Who benefits from it being corrupted? What happens when it’s corrupted?).
• Corruption doesn’t start out winning. It is not quick. It is not on top. Corruption is patient. It starts at the bottom and world its way up. We must learn from corruption and follow its lead, not by corrupting ourselves, but by starting small and knowing we’ll eventually be big
• I’m addicted to the explosive feeling of euphoria that happens when months’ or even years’ long of complex thinking finally clicks.
• Scalable theories and models are powerful
• Money is useful because it is easily swayed. It is up to us to decide what ways to use something that is easily swayed. Money isn’t evil, the misuse of it is.
• On Mac Miller’s album: his music makes me think that he finally experienced the universe. His killing of himself wasn’t a rejection of his life, but rather a return to infinity.
• That’s why this album made feels happier. Swimming felt like a rejection of life, whereas Circles is an acceptance of it.
• I have experienced the universe as well, but not to the extent of someone like Mac. If I were to return to infinity now, I would get lost.
• In the same way people are rightfully frustrated at religion for overstepping its bounds, I too am frustrated at science for the same reason.
• A problem with the world is that everyone is mentally ill, but no one wants to talk about it.
More thoughts x2 [6 March 2020]
• Living at home makes it easy to not die, but impossible to live.
• I try to numb myself to the world because I feel powerless to change it.
• God hasn’t abandoned us, he just realized there’s no good way for him to actively help us. He’s rooting for our success and wellbeing, but he’s leaving our future in our hands.
• I know I need at least some medication to balance me out in the same way I need glasses to see. What I’m afraid of is using medication to hide problems I should be adressing, like when athletes take pain meds to work through the pain and then end up ruining the rest of their lives by damaging themselves beyond repair.
• A problem with me is that I want to do everything, so I end up doing nothing because I always get distracted before I finish. I need someone interesting to act as a focus point. I want to make someone’s vision come true since my own changes too often.
• I’m so good at method acting that I don’t realize when I’m doing it.
• I don’t ask people for help because I’m afraid of manipulating them.
• Debating is really frustrating because too many people debate for the wrong reasons. I debate because I want to discover the truth, but too many people debate only to boost their egos. I like being proved wrong because it gives me something new to think about and potentially reshape my view of reality. Other people refuse to accept they’re wrong because they care about their egos more than they care about the truth. They’d rather “win” instead of discovering the truth.
• What’s frustrating is that people can claim that I do the same. But they’re wrong. I refuse to listen to them not because I disagree with them, but because I disagree with their methodology. That’s why one of the greatest feelings is discovering someone with different views, but proper methodology. At that point, it is no longer a debate of egos, but rather of points of view.
• I can’t win a debate of egos because often times I don’t fully believe what I’m debating. I’ll often take the opposite position than whoever I’m talking to because it allows for a more interesting discussion, but in reality I personally believe something else. Too many get offended and think they I’m attacking their identity when really I’m just challenging their point of view. So once someone refuses to accept the possibility that they’re wrong, I lose interest in the discussion. I know that my limited view is at least partially wrong, and if it’s not wrong, it’s not the whole truth. I’m trying to evolve my point of view, whereas they’re trying to remain stagnant.
• Something that defines me is that I enjoy exceptional things. I don’t necessarily mean things they are exceptionally good, just exceptional. I can get just as much enjoyment out of exceptionally bad things. It’s middle of the road stuff that bores me. The way I see it, if it’s not the greatest thing I’ve experienced, I want it to be the worst thing I’ve experienced. I guess what I’m saying is I like to experience extreme feelings rather than solely positive ones.
• Something that’s frustrating is that I typically have all of the answers, but I refuse to believe them until I hear them from someone else.
• The world has all of the answers, we just need to know where to look for them.
• It’s frustrating to look back at the past and realize the lessons we were being taught but were too stupid to realize that we were being taught.
• Everything we experience is either a lesson, a test, or both. Until we realize that, we’ll keep failing the tests and have to relearn the lessons.
• Smoking is the greatest companion to thinking
• A good sign of a healthy society is empty prisons.
• A problem with the world is we feel like we can either be entirely right or entirely wrong. When something bad happens, we try to blame one entity. We won’t solve problems until we understand partial responsibility, ie “I might not caused this, but I could have done something different to prevent this.” Excepting partial responsibility isn’t an admission of guilt, but too many people view it as that.
Differences between split personalities and masks [8 March 2020]
• I have both
• I have control over which masks I wear, but far less control over which personality is dominant. Different personalities can struggle to take control whereas masks are inanimate and only are active when being manipulated by a personality.
• I have at least two unique and separate personalities, but a near infinite amount of masks.
• I most likely have more (almost certain about this fact), but it’s hard to know because some personalities are aware of each other whereas some aren’t
• My ability to make masks is one of my strengths, and why I’m so good at acting
• Masks also act as a barrier to prevent others from knowing which personality is currently present
• What’s difficult about my mask making and understanding myself is that I’ve made masks to mimic specific personalities so that I can pretend to be one personality while actually being another
• I’m afraid to act because I know I have at least one evil personality that doesn’t care to work with all of the others, and he has no hesitation to trick and hurt the others to get his way.
• That’s why I never know if I’m actually doing what I want, or just being manipulated by him
• Creating masks would be acting, whereas creating personaloties is method acting
• That’s why method actors have so much mental strain and problems (I’m specifically thinking of Heath Ledger and his Joker personality). It’s hard to share the same mental space within the same body, and created personalities can often be stronger since it is more focused, less experienced, and less likely to worry about the consequences that will happen to a body that isn’t really their’s
• I think it would be beneficial to study the life of David Bowie. From what I know about him, he not only had multiple personalities based on my current understanding of personalities, but he somehow convinced them to work together to become successful. I think the key to his success is that he let divergent personalities make different music, so they all felt like they had a unique voice of their own since they couldn’t have a unique physical body of their own. And even though they didn’t have a unique body, they all had a unique look or style that helped differentiate them.
• I also think this is why I have difficulty finishing things or staying in one job/place for too long. Everything interests me because one of my personalities are interested in everything, but eventually another personality gets bored and tries to take over to do what is interesting to them.
• I also think that’s why it’s hard for me to find someone to be in a relationship with. Someone doesn’t have to just impress me, they have to impress everyone. That’s also why I think losing Hattie was so hard. My personalities didn’t just approve of her, they all loved her equally. That’s why it was so wonderful to be with her. Whenever a new personality took over, it felt like I was falling in love all over again. Even though she wasn’t perfect because perfection doesn’t exist, she felt perfect for all of us. I don’t know how it’s even possible. She is an enigma that I hope I can find again, but one that I can’t expect to find again.
• There are a lot of benefits to being so well versed with mask making and personality making. It makes me a really good judge of character because I am aware when someone is showing me a mask or their true personality. I can also create a mask of someone else and can study it in an intimate way that is normally impossible without developing a very deep relationship with them. It’s why I’m so empathetic, but also why I feel guilty because I feel like I’m invading their private areas without their consent. This is why I’m able to manipulate people, because I understand them on a level that they might not even understand themselves, and know how to best get them to act. Because of this skill, I must be responsible. I can’t use it for my own gain. That’s wrong and will eventually destroy whoever I’m interacting with.
• I think I should start naming my personalities and writing down their character traits. Then it’ll be much easier how to figure out who is acting, and it’ll make it harder for the more malicious personalities from taking advantage of me.
• Most people have multiple masks. Fewer people have multiple personalities, but more people have multiple personalities that they are unwilling to admit exist. Very few people have no masks and one personality. These people are often described as “simple minded.” (coming back to expand: split personalities are much more uncommon than originally thought. I was confusing split personalities with sub-personalities. That being said, I still think that there are more people with split personalities than are willing to admit)
• In addition to multiple personalities, there are partial personalities or sub-personalities. These would be personalities that have some unique feelings and attributes, but share a similar base with other personalities. Sub-personalities is kind of the middle point between masks and split personalities.
• I think I may be able to actively split and create new personalities. It’s basically the next/more advanced step to creating masks (*coming back to expand on this idea: I can’t actively create entirely separate split personalities, but rather sub-personalities. A total split personality is formed as a result of an outside traumatic event. I guess in theory I could create a split personality, but it would require a level of self-abuse/self-harm that would be equal to a catastrophic tramatizing event. I believe that I experienced a traumatizing event that that caused initial damage to my psyche, but years of mental self-harm allowed me to completely split my personalities as a coping mechanism because I was afraid of being “weird.” I created and developed a “normal” unique personality and developed it into what I thought the ideal “normal” person was, but for far too long I neglected my original self. If I want to get better, I need to care for this original personality who has been neglected for so long that it no longer believes it deserves to exist. I was cruel and evil to myself, which is why I’m afraid of myself. I know that I’m capable of destroying others’ identities because I’ve already done it to myself once. I’ve made a lot of progress in building up my broken self, but I still have a long way to go to atone for how I’ve treated him. I’ve already taken 20 years away from the part of me that is actually good and interesting. I’m not going to take away the rest of it by giving up and killing myself).
• A good visualization for personalities and sub-personalities is a tree with branches. (coming back: maybe more like a sprouting potato, because a branch dies when it is cut off, whereas a both the sprout and original potato can continue to grow when separated)
• I am able to get along with everyone because I let whatever personality who actually likes and understands them take over.
• A scary realization I have is that not only am I able to create new personalities, I’m able to kill old ones. I need to be careful about which personalities I kill, because eventually the remaining ones will lose faith in me.
• Maybe I have one personality who’s specific reason for existing is to create and kill personalities. This personality is incredibly powerful and must be kept in check. I may only kill personalities that not only consent to it, but also have a good reason to consent to it.
• After thinking more about the sub-personalities idea, maybe the personality that “kills” others isn’t really killing a full personality, but rather trimming off a sub-personality, like trimming the branches of a bonsai tree. Killing a fully formed and independent personality is possible, but much more difficult and will most likely result in the remaining personality being severely damages. Ironically, the remaining damaged personality has the potential to spilt again and reform into a similar personality that was just killed. The difference now is that the personality that won the first time is often times weaker due to the exaustion from the first fight. A more physical representation of this is when drug addicts relapse back into addiction)
• (Additional thought: addiction may be a manifestation of a split personality. That would explain the behaviors of addicts so much, and also prove addiction is an actual mental illness. The reason addiction is so hard to overcome is because someone you’re not aware that even exists is actively working against your from inside your head, and whenever the split personality acts out, it’s the personality that wants to get better that ends up getting punished. Eventually you start to believe that you are your addiction, and at that point the split personality has stolen control. Drugs are fun, but no one actually wants to be constantly high/drunk. The moment when getting your next fix is the only thing you can think about is the moment that your split personality has taken control.)
• Additional thought: maybe the one personality that is able to shape my other personalities is a self-actualized personality.
• Additional thought: I think this self-actualized personality appeared after one of the times I tripped on shrooms/acid. I don’t know if I created this personality. It feels more like I experienced truth, and then invited someone else in to share my mental space who would be able to explain the truth in a digestible way. Maybe that’s why I think I have all of the answers. I have more than most, but it’s my mental roommate who actually understands. He’s helping me explore the truth because he knows that truth must be discovered rather than dictated, but he keeps me safe by stopping me from going over the edge when I’m overwhelmed by the weight of the universe. He lets me live my life, but he steps in when I am weak so my evil personality doesn’t take advantage of me in my vulnerable state.
• Multiple personalities is a blessing and a curse. When we all work together, anything is possible. But when we work against each other, nothing is possible.
• Character examples that represent masks vs personalities: masks = Giorno; personalities = Doppio/Diavolo
• If I want to succeed, I must choose a dominant personality that all other personalities agree to support.
• Whenever I dissociate, my current personality leaves before a new personality is ready to take over. That’s why I feel numb, because there’s no one there to actually feel.
• One of my most useful personalities is the one that I created with no bias. It helps me see the world objectively. Unfortunately, an unbiased personality is incapable of acting since bias stems from personal wants. If you don’t want anything, you won’t do anything. My unbiased personality acts as a great advisor, but a horrible leader.
• The reason that I enjoy acid is because I feel like I don’t have to wear masks. I actually enjoy my own company and don’t feel like I have to hide it from the world.
• I think it may be possible to reconcile split personalities back into one personality, but I’m not trying to do that. I think I have the capability to support multiple personalities, and even though it is incredibly difficult, the benefits I’ve received from it feels worth it. If I can mitigate the negative side effects and convince everyone to work together, then my multiple personalities will become my greatest strength.
• Another topic to considered: fractured personalities in relationship to split personalities and sub-personalities
• The closest equivalent to sub-personalities in normal people are extreme emotions. I just give the more individualism than most.
Anger and disgust [11 March 2020]
• I hate myself because I can’t save the world, but then I hate myself more for being so arrogant that I think I could possibly save the world. But then I double down to improve myself so that I can save the world, but then the process just repeats itself.
• I’m a fucking joke. How can I save the world when I can’t even save myself?
• I don’t even know if I really want to anymore. At this point, I want to the world to burn, and I want to die along with it.
• I’m waiting for everything to collapse so that I can pick up the pieces and build it in my image. I’m done trying to protect the world from its inevitable self implosion. Just let it happen and let the worthy try to rebuild. I don’t even care if I’m one of the ones left over. I’ve wanted to die long before this ever materialized.
• This is what happens when generation after generation chooses the easy and comforting lie rather than the hard truth. We’ve built our society on a crumbling foundation, and now we’re acting surprised when it’s collapsing under its own disgusting weight.
• For some reason I’m the bad person for wanting to leave this disgusting existence we call life.
• All I want to do is explore death, but for some reason I’m forced to continually suffer in a toxic world because others are so selfish that they want me to stay around like a miserable animal locked in a cage. If they didn’t want me to kill myself, they should have tried harder to make the world a place worth living in. I’ve given up on my happiness, but they still expect me to stick around and play the part for their sick and twisted fantasy.
• We’ve been aware of these problems since history has been recorded. I’m tired of the world relearning the same lessons over and over again. All it does it wait for evil to take hold and then ask for those greater than them to save them from their sin and arrogance.
• People who claim that they don’t understand how God can let such horrible things happen to us are fucking idiots. I don’t understand how he can keep giving us chances. If anything, he should have killed Noah along with every other person during the flood. Humanity continues to prove that we’re incapable of learning. We’re all just stupid animals who deserve to be slaughtered for thinking they were gods.
• Every time we create something wonderful, we pervert it to the point that an even greater evil spawns. We have enough resources so that everyone can live happily, but we’ve decided that living happily isn’t enough. Instead we only decide we have succeeded when we are better and happier than everyone. But instead of improving ourselves to be better, we ruin the lives of everyone else because we’d rather destroy the lives of everyone else rather than put in any effort to improve ourselves.
• Anyone who is surprised by our current state of events is a fucking idiot. We all knew what China was doing. We all knew what a America was doing. We all know what every corrupt government was doing, or at least we should have. All the information was there, but for some reason, even though we have the tools to prevent evil, we’d rather just be comfortable. We think our phones and computers are more important than the lives of the people who make.
• Everyone is so goddamn self-righteous it’s sickening. Anyone who looks in the mirror and doesn’t see a disgusting monster is lying to themself.
• I’m done. I don’t deserve anything good. If I somehow live through all of this, I’ll do whatever I can to help the next generation since it’s not their fault that they’re born in such a shitty world that we’ve created with our greed, arrogance, and stupidity. But as far as I’m concerned, everyone deserves the hellfire that is on its way.
• I’m tired of holding back. From now on, I’m going to let everyone know how shitty they really are. We bathe in evil, and the world reeks because of it.
• I’m tired of improving myself while the world shits in its own shit of mediocrity.
• They’ve decided their comfort is the most important thing. As far as I’m concerned, every American is just as evil and corrupt as the politicians that run the place. How can we complain about how we’re treated when we treat the world with just as little respect? At least the top 1% aren’t even pretending to be evil anymore, which is a lot more than I can say about the rest of us.
• I keep torturing myself because I see how much I benefit from the evil of others. But as far as I’m concerned, I’m just as evil for letting the evil propagate.
• The gift of life is wasted on me and everyone else.
• Is there even a point to starting over? All that we happen is the same things that have happened throughout history. We never learn, and I’m almost convinced we never will. Greater minds have come to this conclusion, so who am I to say otherwise?
• I’m tired of working with the arrogant imbeciles of the world. That’s why I like children. They’re as dumb as adults, but at least they don’t pretend like they aren’t. Learning hurts, but they want to learn anyways because they want to better themselves without even knowing it. Adults want the benefits if learning without the pain that comes with it, so they’ll cut corners anywhere and everywhere.
• I’m tired of sacrificing myself for those who don’t deserve it. I respect Jesus so much that I wanted to be like him, but I’m reaching my limit. I don’t know how he did it. He somehow kept seeing beauty in the most disgusting people. He was the greatest among us, and his reward for it was the most gruesome death imaginable.
• I don’t want medicine because I don’t think I’m the one who’s sick. The world is sick, and I don’t want to trick myself into living in a sick world anymore. I just need freedom to actually breathe the air that isn’t filled with the toxicity of man.
• What’s frustrating is that I know I have a counterargument to every negative comment here. That’s why I haven’t killed myself. This is just the first time I let myself vent without trying to convince myself otherwise. Just because I know I’m not right doesn’t mean I’m wrong either. I can’t give up, but I can’t keep trying on behalf of everyone else either. There are plenty of reasons to save the world, but it can’t happen until everyone else realizes that too.
• The reason I smoke weed so often is that it dumbs me down enough that a conversation with they average moron doesn’t hurt so much that I want to kill myself
• It’s physically painful to be this smart. That’s why I have such a short temper, and the littlest things set me off. I’m already struggling under the weight of my mind, and every little annoyance is just the straw that breaks the camel’s back
• That’s also why medicine will only cover up my problems instead of fixing them. No matter how much I do to take care of and better myself, everyone else remains painfully idiotic.
• What’s even more frustrating is what idiots think you’re stupid because their idiocy is so dumbfounding that you don’t even know where to start to correct them.
• If I don’t want to become what I hate, I need to keep moving forward, improving myself with every step. It won’t be fun, but at least it’ll be good.
Random Thoughts [17 May 2020]
• What prevents me from learning how to do something is not the actual act of doing it, but rather my intrest in learning it. For example, I have never been able to learn computer coding. Not because it was too difficult, but because I never had any interest in the process after completely my initial task
• I forgot how peaceful it could be when the voices stop.
• I’m finally ready to share myself with the world
• Loose girls with sharp minds are my weakness
• Poetry now speaks to me in a way it has never before
• Love truly is my greatest inspiration
• My favorite things: Philosophy = Spirit, Writing = Mind, and Music = Body
• Understanding doesn’t make your a good person; caring makes your a good person
• I enjoy writing poetry because poetry is a much more flexible for of literature and expression. It is not about writing something that can be understood. It’s about writing something that can be felt
• I’m excited when I see a lot of potential. I’m uncontrollably excited with I see guaranteed potential.
• The difference between potential and guaranteed potential:
1. Potential: A combination of elements that can be arranged into something greater than the sum of its parts
2. Guaranteed Potential: A near finished product, or one waiting for ignition
3. Example – Potential: would be like a box of lego->you can make something great from it, but incompetence or outside factors like time/space to build will mean that your creation ends up a total mess.
4. Example – Guaranteed Potential: would be like a pre-packaged lego set. Although you still have to work and build it, and you can potentially screw it up if you don’t follow the directions, it’s practically guaranteed to be what you want.
• So I just had an about idea why people, especially those interested in philosophy, like psychedelics. Thinking about/reading/developing philosophy is kinda like you’re downloading it. It already exists, you’re just becoming aware of it. Taking psychedelics is kinda like installing it. That’s why the world “makes sense” after a trip. You didn’t lie something new, you were just able to apply the lessons you have learned from living. After my trip, I still believe/know the same things, but I felt like I can actually apply my philosophy to my life.
• The last could of years was like downloading my philosophy, while the shrooms trip was like installing it.
• “Downloading vs installing” would be an equivalent to “knowing vs believing”
• I’m no longer fragmented, because I no longer solve the universe
• She is my inspiration, because whenever I write, I think of what she would think about it. I did it so naturally, that I never noticed. That’s why I’m so particular about my word choice. It can’t just be good enough, because she deserves the perfect words. And the reason I get such a release when I finally use the perfect words. The words aren’t for me, because I already know how I feel. They’re for her. Even though I never give them to her, I feel accomplished for making something that I think is worth her.
• Writing something for someone who won’t ever read it is like making a gift that you will never be able to give.
• Growing old is quite subtle.
• The affects of nostalgia on the “aging” of the spirit
• I just realized that I haven’t been writing essays these past couple of years. I’ve been writing poetry. That’s why I’ve always be so particular with the words that I chose. Because just like poetry, I wanted you to feel what I felt, not know what I think. I guess my goal when I write isn’t to induce sympathy, but rather empathy.
• I kinda hate myself, because the first thought I had after this realization is “I’m a poet, and I didn’t even know it!”
• The thought that I use my life to write poetry coincides with a previous thought I’ve had: “My life is my art”
• Maybe that’s why I had so much self-hate. My passion has always been poetry, but I was told poetry lame, girly, stupid, etc. I was afraid to be called that, so I refused to accept what I was doing was poetry, even though all the signs were there. So instead of pursuing poetry, I pursued something that I was good at, but not passionate about. That’s how I ended going to school for engineering, because that’s what impressive and successful people do, and I wanted to be impressive and successful.
• I guess I kinda have a better understanding of why there are so many people who are homosexual that absolutely hate other homosexuals. The fear of ridicule is so ingrained in them, that they actively and extremely pursue the opposite of it.
• Poetry is one of the best tools to handle psychedelic trips
• It’s kinda a funny story. I’ve kept notes on my phone for years, but I never really organized or showed anyone. I never really considered what I wrote as “literature” because I always thought of myself as a numbers guy. But the more I wrote, the more natural it came, and I started having fun with it. It’s kinda funny, because I recently realized a lot of my notes and essays were actually written as poetry subconsciously, so I’ve been rereading and cleaning up a lot of my old stuff in addition to my new stuff
• I think I was using pain and misery to ground me to the world
• (talk with friend) Thanks! That means more than you know.
I’ve always been more reserved, and though I wouldn’t lie, I often hid parts of myself that I thought others wouldn’t like. That’s kind where the “I try not to make people feel awkward” comes from.
Me organizing and sharing my writing has kinda been like me validating my existence.
It’s also nice that there’s something I can take some pride in now.
• The reason I’m so kind to others, is because I know exactly how cruel I can be to myself.
• Being self-aware enough to notice your character traits and archetype can be frustrating, especially when you recognize you’re doing something so stereotypically tied to your character traits.
• I killed my spirit so I could learn how to revive it. Playing with death is dangerous and scary, but if you’re able to make it to the other side and back, nothing will be as hard.
Good high [7 May 2020]
• Life sucks, but it’s also the greatest thing you’ll experience
• I think my personalities speak to me through music. The reason certain songs catch my attention, and why I’ll listen to the same set of songs for so long, is that I feel something that must be a personality trying to tell me something. Once I stop feeling that unique pull is when I finally understand them. But I often forget the lessons, and that’s why I’ll feel the pull again to go back to old music
• I think the reason I decided to focus on bettering my mental health is that my depressed self stopped telling me new things. Depression is a trap because it’s cyclical. It will always pull you in a direction, in essence moveing you “forward,” but after awhile you realize you’ve been moving aimlessly in a circle and really haven’t moved anywhere new at all. Everything feels practically the same, only slightly different since time has passed. That’s why my depressed memories are so blury; they’re really years’ worth of memories overlapping.
Depression keeps you busy in the sense that it takes up your time. It lets you move but it never really gets you anywhere new. If you define your life as the time between birth and death, then depression lets you “experience life” in the sense that if you have already experienced birth, you will eventually die no matter how you use your time. Since everything feels the same no matter where you go, you decide to stop moving at all. People say life is short, but it’s unbearably long if you don’t use your time in a productive way.
• I just realized the reason I stopped taking my Adderall is that I knew I was abusing it to handle my depression. When I was on an Adderall binge, I felt energized and alive, even after 3 days without sleeping. But since I relied on my Adderall to give me energy, I neglected myself. I didn’t need to eat well, exercise, sleep, or really take care of myself at all. This worked fine when I was younger and still in soccer shape, but I finally realized it wasn’t sustainable. As my body degraded, my reliance on Adderall increased, and coming down became worse and worse. After coming down, I wasn’t tired, I was exhausted. I wasn’t sore, I had debilitating aches. Walking up stairs felt like I ran a mile, sometimes even making me puke. Because coming down became too difficult, I put it off. All-nighter binges turned into multiple day binges, but all that did was make coming down that much worse. It clicked that I couldn’t do this anymore. My body felt damaged, not hurt, and I guess that finally woke me up. So I quit cold turkey and stopped filling my prescriptions. I was planning on getting it out of my system long enough to where I felt normal enough where I could start taking it again, but in a more responsible way. But I kept waiting, and waiting, and waiting, but the normal feeling wasn’t coming back. This time the exhaustion wasn’t going away, and eventually I ran out of energy to keep myself going. The depression finally broke through and surrounded me. I tried to stay afloat, but eventually I slipped under. I felt like I was drowning, but for some reason I didn’t let myself die even though that seemed like the only way to escape the torture of constant drowning. I refused to die because I didn’t thing I deserved the relief. But that same logic that kept me alive, kept me from bettering myself. I didn’t deserve the relief of death nor the happiness of life. So I let myself continue to drown.
It might sound weird, but when you refuse death, you kind of become “good” at drowning. It’s still miserable, but since the misery is constant, you start to feel numb to it. Eventually, misery is normal. Life became easy to live constantly miserable. Eventually I became so good at it that I learned to go on autopilot. After that, life wasn’t miserable, it was boring. In my boredom when I couldn’t distract myself, I would think. Thinking is kinda like building. You can only build with the supplies you have in the same way you can only think with the knowledge you know…. (finish later)
• The use of personalities as memory storage
• I am complex in my simplicity
• Maybe I should find all of the pieces before I start trying to fix it. (thought on why I have difficulty explaining even my simplest thoughts in an easily understood and orderly manner)
• No matter how much I change, you’re still the only constant.
• If I’m being honest with myself, I want (Her). No one had ever made me feel the way she did, and I don’t know if anyone else ever will. Now I’m not saying I’m incapable of loving other people. One thing that I’m proud of is that my heart is full of love. Just that I don’t know if I’ll be able to love someone in the way that feels the same. It’s weird, because I think it’s possible to fall in love with someone else who makes me just as happy, maybe happier, in a way that leads to marriage, just that it will be a different type of love, if only slightly.
Maybe this is what’s so special about first love
• I’m also not saying it’s impossible to feel that same exact feeling with someone else, but that’s not something you can plan for or force, nor when it happens. We don’t get to choose this feeling. It happens almost by chance. Sometimes it’s like a spark, or maybe a flicker when a stranger walks by. It’s gone so quick, you question if you really felt something. Sometimes it never happens at all. I got that chance, and even if it lasted for just a moment, my spark caught fire, and felt its unique warmth. So I count myself lucky for not only the time I had it, but also for experiencing it so early. I still have so much time for another moment of magic to happen. Another spark that actually ignites. But I’ve decided to let it find me rather than me go look for it. I still probably want to experience that feeling more than anything, but it’s not the only thing I want to experience. There’s so much to explore in the world, and even more beyond. And while exploring, whether or not I experience that unique love, I’ll experience so many different types of loves from so many different types of people. It might not be the same, but it’s the real reason we live – not to share love with one person, but to share love with the world. This unique love is just the bow on top of the gift of life.
And in the end, after I’ve explored all that I could, and experienced all the different love along the way, I’ll be able look back at my life satisfied and fulfilled, even if I never experience what I want most.
• Now where do I go from here?
• More thoughts on the “unique love”: Even though I’ve never experienced this myself, I imagine the closest feeling to this unique love is when someone sees their child for the first time. The way I’ve heard it described sounds incredible. It’s like a switch flips, and you’re instantly filled with a pool of unconditional love. It’s like there’s a part of you that you didn’t know was cold and dark until that spark lit a fire that warmed you in a way you never knew you wanted or was even possible.
• The more I think about the similarities, the more I think that the feeling of love after seeing your child for the first time might actually be greater. I obviously don’t know since I don’t have a kid. But it sorta reminds me when I mentioned I thought it was possible to find someone who makes me even happier, but I don’t know what that feels like, so I don’t know how to want it. That part of me has never been warm, so I can’t feel the cold. It’s kinda like my thoughts on having my own kids. I want kids, and maybe I’ll find someone to start a family with, but I’m fine with never having kids if it doesn’t work out. I still have nieces and nephews to love, and even if I never experience the love of seeing my own child for the first time, I won’t be disappointed with my life. I’ll still experience other types of love, and since I never had a kid, I won’t know what the absence of that love feels like. However, if I ever do have kids, I can’t even fathom the feelings of despair and emptiness that would come from losing someone who fills me with the warmth of an even greater love.
• The reason I like the weed/Adderall combo is that the weed let’s my mind wander while the Adderall let’s me focus on things long enough to write them down
• I think all philosophers develop multiple selves in a sense.
• I’m tired of people sacrificing children for their own selfish desires
• The problem with asking people they’re opinions on controversial topics is that they really don’t care or think about it, so they end up just agreeing with their friends. Agreeing with an opinion is much different than forming an opinion, or even believing an opinion. What triggered this thought is the pro-life vs pro-choice debate. I have my own opinions on it, but I recognize that both sides have valid reasons for existing. Unfortunately, even though there are valid and good reasons on both sides, it appears that most of policies and representation related to pro-life exists for all the wrong reasons. Many laws related to abortion at passed by people who have never given the thought more than a couple minutes. They don’t care, because it doesn’t affect them. They don’t choose their opinion based on the genuinely good reasons that exist, but rather because they think it will get the more votes. Republican congress doesn’t represent pro-life, but rather bribes them for their votes.
• An opinion isn’t good based on what it is. It’s good because of the way it was formed. I can disagree with an opinion and still think it’s a good opinion. Likewise, I can agree with an opinion, but disagree with why they have it.
• I think people having multiple “personalities” or “selves” is more common than we realize. Even though we naturally develop our self/identity, building our structure of being which is expressed through our personality, there is such a lack of understanding of being and self that we only notice complex structures of being when it is unstable (i.e. Suffering from mental illness). Having a complex structure of being with multiple individual and unique selves doesn’t make you mentally ill. It becomes mental illness when you can no longer support the structure, whether it’s due to outside trauma, personal health neglect, or even a rouge self-sabotauging acting against itself and the structure of being as a whole.
• One reason my writing style… Is that when I write, I’m not explaining my thoughts, I’m discovering them. The way my thought process works is that I’ll let thoughts passively brew in the back of my head for a long time. I’ll check on how a thought is developing, and add any new info that I happen to come across, but other than that, I leave my mind to synthesize the information and create a thought resulting from knowledge gained from the simulations and interactions between old and new information. With some thoughts, I’ll be more proactive and involved in the brewing process. This more proactive development of the thought allows me to actively shape it in a way that makes sense to me. It’s also easier to recreate the thought since I had to actively develop the logical structure of the thought
• However, I’m not a big fan of that first thought process. I don’t dislike it, sometimes I actually really enjoy it, but I feel like. The problem with actively developing a thought is you already know all the little details that make it tick. It’s nice to see it finished, and it gives an incredible understanding and mastery over the thought, but every future interaction with that thought will be nearly the same as the first. Actively formed thoughts tend to be a closed system. This is useful for recreating the thought and getting rid ambiguity to create a clear message. However, I believe organizing a thought as you’re creating it ends up limiting you. If you proactively participate in developing a thought, you generally have a vision of what you’re trying to create. This ends up guiding your thought process because even if you don’t know the details, you know where you’re going to end up. , but when you finally see it completed, and you don’t get much more out of exploring the thought
• When the thought starts to brew, I rarely know when it will actually turn into something. I put it in the back of my mind next to all the other thoughts. If it’s an especially interesting thought, I’ll come check in on it relatively regularly. But many thoughts sit the back, forgotten until I come across randomly related info that clicks the part of your brain that goes “yeah, I’ve heard that before.” I’ll go add the new info to the pot and then let it brew until chance reminds me of it with another new bit of knowledge related to it. The brewing time of a thought can be vaguely estimated at best and drastically changes from one batch to another, even if the same “ingredients” are being used. A thought instantly brews when given information. Sometimes it takes hours, days, weeks, months, even years. As the thought brews, I add whatever knowledge I learn about it. Thoughts brew differently. Sometimes a thought will brew however long it takes to gather all the ingredients, i.e. Relevant information. If you have all of the ingredients at the beginning, then you’ll be able to brew the thought practically instantly. There might be some knowledge needed to combine the ingredients in the proper way, but the completion of the thought is determined directly by having all the relevant information. What that means is that although it’s relatively quick and easy to form a thought if you have all the information and know how that info relates and fits together from the beginning, the reverse is true. If you don’t have all of the info, and/or you don’t know how it works together, then the thought can brew indefinitely. I’ve noticed an interesting phenomenon related to thoughts coming to fruition after years of waiting for the one missing piece that binds everything you have. Some thoughts have been brewing so long that your forget what ingredients you already added. You start throwing random bits of info in the mix, because it’s been so long you assume the thought was just a dud. The interesting phenomenon I mentioned occurs when you unexpectedly and unknowingly add the final ingredient needed to finish the thought. When you drop the last ingredient in, something finally
• I’m fully confident in my ability to learn how to do any task, no matter what it might entail or how contradictory it might be to my natural disposition and skills. The ability to reorient my perspective to efficiently learn information or a new skill has helped me succeed through most of my life, but I’ve reached a point where I prefer not to unless I have to. It’s not that I don’t want to work hard or step out of my comfort zone. It’s that a natural and general interaction with the world matters much more to me now. Even though this skill is incredibly useful, an over reliance on it during my daily life has left unwanted shadows. Social interaction has never been easy for me, but especially not when I was younger. Social interactions terrifyed and overwhelmed me, but the fear of being seen as a weird social outcast led me to spend my free time studying and imagining interactions from multiple perspectives, and then learning how to mimic the traits that every perspective seemed to agree they like. Once I learned how to mimic perspectives, I started learning how to identify people’s perspectives while interacting with them. Mimicing made it easier to blend in, but actively switching perspectives gave me type of adaptability to act “normal” without acting like a robot following a limited selection of commands. These little micro-adaptations brought a real sense of life to my acting. It was interesting, because as I noticed my mimicry and perspective switching became more and more effortless, people seemed to be kinder and more relaxed when interacting with me. Even though I still felt the same social anxieties, I guess my act looked natural enough to work. Since every social interaction was a chance to test myself and learn something new about it, I ended putting on my act constantly. It became so natural that I didn’t realize that I was doing it involuntarily.
• Our purpose in life isn’t to die, but rather to learn how to accept death. And it is not to accept death in defeat or in resignation, but rather as the final gift life has to offer.
• The duality of being both a person and an object
• How you judge others says more about you than it does about the.
Random thoughts [22 May 2020]
• I think I finally found an answer to “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” The answer is one or both of them cease to exist. This could imply physical destruction, as in the unstoppable force obliterates the immovable object. But it could also imply an identity destruction. If an unstoppable force makes an immovable object move, then the immovable object loses its identity as a immovable object.
• Do not fall into the delusion that being wise means you understand things outside your sphere of understanding and knowledge. You wouldn’t be here if you knew everything.
• There is no “absolute good” or “absolute evil.” Good should be defined by the balance of opposing forces, while bad should be defined by the imbalance. Creation and destruction must coexist. Creation without destruction is just as detrimental as destruction without creation.
• Imagine a yin-yang symbol. My question is this: do the dots identify more with their surroundings, or do they identify with their own color?
• Though this question has much more deeper philosophical implications, I think it may be a good thought experiment for the argument of “nurture vs nature”
• To accept an apology is mature. To give back forgiveness is divine.
• People are interesting, because we have the body of a stupid animal and the spirit or will of a higher being. This makes us both finite and infinite. Our minds are what bridges these two contradictory aspects of our being.
• Our minds are finite in the sense that they take up a finite space and function as a result of their physical mechanics, but they are infinite in their imagination. A finite mind can somehow comprehend infinity. Our imagination, in a sense, can interact with infinity, allowing us to transcend our physical limitations.
• We are very much able to fall into the traps of the world, but at any moment we are able to overcome these traps through our own will. An animal is ruled by its physical needs and desires, and therfore is controlled by them; nothing more than a slave to the physical world. But a person is able to recognize something greater than the physical present, and actively pursue it at the risk of their own safety and comfort. What appears foolish to an animal is seen as wise to a person.
• I believe we are born animals, and become people as we mature and interact with reality. This is reflected in the development of our mind. The process of transforming from an animal to a person would be what we call “becoming self-aware”
• However, it seems like many of us forget what it means to be a person as we continue to age, or maybe try to reject the responsibility that accompanies being a person – something that is more than an animal. We lock away the part of our mind that lets us be a person. We once again become slaves to physical needs and desires.
• I also don’t believe that personhood is limited to humans, humans just have the greatest potential to become a person. I’ve met many “animals” that possesed more qualities of a person than some humans I’ve interacted with.
• Immortality is achieved when our will transcends our finite and physical bodies. It continues to have an impact on the physical world even when our physical bodies cease to exist. This is what it means to become a legend.
• It’s been a very long time since I drank so that I could feel something interesting, rather than so I could feel numb
• Sheogorath will eventually take my mind, so I’ve been willingly giving it to him, if only to experience the enlightenment of insanity
• What is sanity other than a shared perspective?
♡Sugar☆World☮ 