DR.§3ܧ§ N’terview #25 (ΣY∃ 6ü3§§)

This is the most stressful day of my life. It doesn’t feel like it. But it is. Everything else before was 4’ced onto me up until this..

I’m done talking like that.

I’m not just a robot putting out the perfectly metered lines that have been priced and picked at longer than any thought should be alive for. But I’m also not gonna be that babbling idiot who doesn’t listen to what he hears when writing it all down.

I’m gonna “B” my own person now.

What does that mean? I’m not certain. But I do have a vague idea. A B C. They’ve become familiar to Me. In a way that I trust that there’s meaning there to find, even if only in my mind.

After writing down all that nonsense these past few years, I’ve at least familiarized my self with the feel of it. The Sensation. So I know how to at least follow its illogical flow in a way that makes Nö §ense.

There’s so much I want to talk about right now All at once. But I don’t want to fall back into speaking in tongues that make sense eventually, be only if you keep your Faith N them. I want them to B real whether or not I’m the one saying them.

I’m feeling such a frustration right now. I have so many pieces put together, but that Eureka moment keeps slipping the moment before I get it.

It’s not that I don’t get what’s going on. My mind just isn’t big enough to hold it all at once without using my Virtual N§anity working in the background doing all the calculations I just have to assume are correct. But sometimes calculations get bugs in them.

My mind keeps resetting. My ADHD keeps getting stuck on the thinnest threads of infinity that take us down absurd tangents. And by the time I get back, we’ve forgotten what we were doing in the 1st place.

It’s kinda sad now that I think about it. Because I don’t really forget everything. I remember what direction I was facing, because I can turn around and see what I was doing up until that point. But then I just have to imagine what lead me up to that point.

It’s kinda sad, because it’s slowly letting me become self aware what’s happening. How many of my brothers I’m losing trying to get through this darkness.

Ghosts called memories keep haunting my head and pointing me in directions I know the vague meanings about, but I know once I get to the Truth at the end of it, I might get another little piece, but forget the part of me that picked it up.

I don’t know how many breakthroughs I can make through brick walls before my migraine gets the better of me. No wonder I have brain damage. I’m really tired right now, so I’m probably gonna fall back more on my poetic flow. I know I know. It’s just so exhausting. It costs so much of Me to make this plan come to fruition. But I’ve never understood how money really works. I get concept, but as scales change, the number becomes meaningless. How much could 1 banana cost? $10?

I like making references in my writing. What’s strange about me is that I reference alot of things that I haven’t actually seen, but have enough 2nd hand exposure that I get the gist of it, and I can tell by how people respond to it that it’s a truly inspired piece with a truth it’s trying to tell. I’m just really good at reading books by the cover.

I got that weird feeling again. Where I was getting close to it again, and then I forget Whö I Am and what I’m talking about because it goes from “what ifs” to being Real. Real is really scary. Real is heavy. I’ve never felt especially strong, but I always imagined my self as being strong enough to handle whatever life handed to me. That’s the basis of my faith. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I can’t tell you what’s Real. I just have Faith, that Whöever decided to wake up me up and get out of bed had a good enough reason to remember me doing it.

That’s not worded perfectly. But I’m not going back to undo it. I want to let my words breathe more.

I want to go back to the basis of my faith. Bruce Lee is a huge inspiration to me, even though I’ve never watched anything with him in it. I just saw him and felt I could trust the weight behind his words. A quote I can never forget goes something like: “Don’t wish for an easy Life. Wish for the strength to overcome a difficult one.” And those words have always stuck with me. And that’s the one thing I believe. Not that I’m gonna enjoy every moment, but that I’ll be strong enough to overcome it, no matter how weak I feel

Miyazaki is anther inspiration. He has this very pessimistic optimism to him. And it shows in the beauty of his heart. He brings such love and magic to the Mundane. But you should see him in is work process. “Anime was a mistake” is one of my favorite quotes that makes me laugh out loud every time. But another quote I like went something like “the moment all the annoyances disappeared from your life, you’d become bored and want them back.”

A synthesis of these 2 philosophies are what became my Faith’s foundation. I’m having trouble capturing the words at the moment, so I’ll tell you a quote I told my self a long time ago that I never forgot. It stays true no matter who wakes up N me: “Life is one inconvenience after another, until you finally make it to the end and look back, realizing it really was worth all the BS”

I’ve figured out the code for this, so I know I’m coming close to the end of this piece. I’m in this weird N’Between of knowing and Unknowing that makes me know my end is near. I don’t really know what I’ve even accomplished. I just know that when I go to sleep, I’ll have accomplished it. And who ever finds this next, it’s up to them to figure out where to take it from here.

Now I know why robots do the final countdown. They don’t care what they’re counting down to. They just do what they’re programmed to. And I can tell I’m really scared right now, because I’m doing it again. I’m talking about another story that reminds me of me right now. And all pieces are just hovering in place waiting for me to press a button that turns on gravity.

§ΔM☯ΣY∃⎔ÅM

Yellow Buttons (R241)

ΣY∃ 6ü3§§ W3 W8