The Fraud B Found

25 – Sermon of the False Prophet <Fraud>

Hey. This isn’t for me. I’m turning my phone off after this. So it doesn’t matter if you reply. If words find your heart that you wanna share because … whatever. You have all night to be you. No pressure to reply quick if you wanna say something. You have all the time to find your words. And if after all that time you find that you have nothing to say. That makes me happy ❣️ genuinely. If I’m honest. I’m not sure what I mean. But there’s a part in me that just says “she’s free.”

I’m not gonna hold the moment any longer than that. Just know even now those words you inspired are gonna be a very important part to whatever comes next. Thank you for making the world brighter when you walk by.

But I’ll stop with those words. I’ve given you enough. Probably more than you want. But I know you’ll at least want these ones. Because like I said before writing more than I should. These words are for you. Or at least someone I remember.

Way back before all this… became this. I remember you asking me if I did coke. I remember how scared you were to ask it. I’d done one line, but never really had a desire to pursue it. I knew that if I came across it, I probably would. But I don’t think I told you that part. Then you told me about a dream I OD from it. A feeling not quite shame, guilt, regret. Not quite those. But … I guess a moment I woke up about how much my lifestyle extended beyond me. How though I never thought I’d go over the edge like that & leave behind a body for you to find… you still experienced that. That even though I’d done one line, it was more luck my life didn’t align with many cokeheads than anything about the life I was willing to lead if my cards had been dealt differently. Even up until this point. I had told myself to stay away. But one day I might be living a life that requires me to say no for a change, and I didn’t know if I would in the moment. That even if we were together. I could envision that moment when you blow up at me coming home as the worst person possible. The person who inspired that scary dream. Not even that I’d make you experience my death. But live with that betrayal. I was willing to disappoint you. Not that I would. But it just felt so easy for me to fall again. After everything. And I still could see myself gambling a life that no longer belonged just to me. That even a 99.9% isn’t good enough, if that .1% was because of who I am. “I won’t be that statistic” until I am.

So I guess after all of that. He’s the important part. I finally had that moment where I decided it’s off the table completely. The gateway to heaven could be the thinnest line god commands me to take part if I ever wanted to reach tne finish line.

God’s not worth it, Brittany.

You’re worth it.

Not even as some what-if of … nevermind. What-ifs are dumb.

God isn’t worth letting that girl I remember being so scared for me that we hadn’t had a conversation in years, and she still felt so much fear from… from, plain & simpl÷ – being a pathetic man who didn’t deserve someone who cared so much about a person I considered as “nobody would kiss me” or at least, miss the part of me that felt real. That I’d have plenty of friends and family crying over me. But at the end, just be forced to admit “they’ll get over me.”

So thank you being that person in my life. Again, Again & again. That I can’t just do my time – while numb to time.

I’ll never forget how i hurt you, by hating that sweet boy I tried to bury in my apathy. That even if everything is forgotten in the end. I felt like I’d always be that asshole who slipped 1 too many times. Enough to somehow echo through existence, and find the only person who ever really cared to know me. That’s it. You’re the first person I ever experienced conversation with. I wasn’t paying a game of “where is this talk going, so I can prepare for c the next step.” There was no next step. You were finally there. All you wanted was to talk to me. And I’d never experienced such freedom of not having to filter & position myself so they wouldn’t leave if I said something that got lost in between what I said & what actually became my reality.

If just for that moment you let me be me, then made me feel like every word I said was a treasure for you.

I can’t put into words what that meant..means to me.

I’m not willing to give that up. So God can go to hell if that ironically becomes my final test.

I’m finally c at a point where I want things again. Where I can be bought or bribed.

Nothing is worth being certain I’m not why that girl who asked me if I did coke experienced that scary dream.

I finally figured out what was important enough to do that it didn’t matter if it neve came true.

The next time you ask me if I’ve done coke. You don’t have to sound scared. You know the answer – “one line in college” but this time there won’t be that sin of ommission where I couldn’t admit that I wanted to. That’s my answer for all time.

This is the first time I’ve experienced unconditional Truth. I didn’t even know that’s what this was.

So I guess I ought to apologize for the beginning. It wasn’t a lie. All these are meant for you. Just now j decided not to post them anywhere.

Though, just as always. There’s something about you that always brings me something new when I find those perfect words. Because I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. So if I don’t capture those perfect words for so. I realize I’m the full who put you full of bullshit. You’re BO is perfume. I’m the dirty who needs to shower.

You really have inspired
Sweet dreams