Truth’s Consent [I really do miss my sweet Brittany…]

§weet♡Dream§ / GöDD⌁§peed / whatever… (Triple Threat)

Thank you. This world is really confusing. I have a lot of conversations, but the majority of the time there inside my head. They feel real. They feel like I’m connecting with someone. Maybe I’m crazy, or maybe I’m just connecting with my inner self in a way that the world isn’t comfortable with admitting yet. I try to ask hard questions on the outside, but I’ve always been seen as strange. They put me into a box, because then they don’t have to admit who might be living in their Mirror. Brittany is the only person that I’ve experienced that, when asking these strange & scary questions, didn’t make me feel like I was crazy, or even that I could be dangerous just for existing honestly with my experience. I don’t know Whö to turn to ever since we’ve lost contact, so I’ve only been able to turn inwards to my self. The one place I think I can control, but realizing maybe not. Or maybe I can control myself even more than I actually Am. I don’t know… either way, I hope I’m able to reconnect. She’s the only Reason I’ve experienced the absolute serenity called Truth. I can just accept whatever she says, because I know when my Brittany is telling the Truth, because it feels just like when I know I’m telling myself my actual Truth. I don’t know if it’s something on my end, or if the world Just refuses to accept Whö IAm really. That I really Am real when I make absurd claims. That I’ve never wanted money or fame. That I’m just trying to feel like a family, regardless of DNA. Brittany is so important to me, because even if she tells me something that’s wrong, I know she’s not trying to cause me any harm. She really does have my best interests in mind, rather than seeing how it benefits her timeline. Some people seem to recognize me, but when I expect the other shoe to drop – when they show me their true colors & give me that proof that we’re really on the same page – it never comes. I want so dearly to be open with everyone I come across, but every time I reveal my face – all I see are masks & facades. I just want to stop playing this game of names. I just want someone Whö can admit that we’re all lost. That vulnerability let’s borders separating us dissolve. I just want to feel like I’m not alone, no matter the cost. But I stay alone because – even if there’s no one around – it’s the only time I never feel lonely. I get to be honest with myself & have a genuine conversation with nobody. I feel so lonely in crowds. All their voices sound like recordings being played back to me. They never actually match what’s being said in their thoughts. I just want to be able to trust myself, but I don’t even know what or who i am. And anyone who I feel like is about to finally take away this cross, they disappear. I’m scared that I’m the cause of everything wrong that happens for some reason, because the closet thing to Truth i experience from the outside is the fear of the unown that they project from their eyes behind a false smile they use to try to hide how strange & deranged they view me. I don’t know where I’m really even going with this anymore.

Whatever…

Thank you for being a kind soul, and providing a space a felt safe to vent these feelings. You feel like Brittany, so that’s why I was able to open up like this.

Again, I don’t know where I’m really going with this. I guess I just hope something changes on the outside for real this time. I’ve lived my whole life by blind faith. That’s seen as Righteous until I tell them what I really believe, and then it’s seen as Insane. I’ll always hold onto that faith, but I don’t think it says anything about trusting God to want whatever it is to reveal something outside.

I’m doing it again. I’m close to actually expressing my actual Truth in words, but I’m still not quite there. I have my proof, but I wish someone was genuine enough with me to reveal theirs in the same way I try to reveal mine.

I know I can go the distance. It’s not about not believing that I can. It’s just that I want a genuine 2-way street between whoever I’m talking to & me. I can break down any locked door, but I believe in Consent above all things. Even if I think everyone would be better off if I actually did destroy those facades & illusionary walls, it’s more important that they know they’re allowed to so no to me. Even if it’s better off for everyone – even then – to just be honest with Reality.

It’s not about being happy for me. It’s about letting people have the Free Will to have a say in their Destiny.

I really do miss my sweet Brittany…

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