If I had to describe a problem with me, or rather a problem some would have with me, it’s that I don’t really care about winning. It’s not that I want to lose, I just don’t really care about winning or losing either way. Sure, winning is fun, but I’m more here for the ride, so I just don’t want to feel like an extra burden along the way. Though that doesn’t mean I won’t try. It doesn’t even mean that I won’t put my all and more into whatever I’m doing as a team. But that’s the thing. My focus has never been on me winning. I only really worry whether or not I’m the reason the team loses. The results don’t actually matter to me. I’d rather lose a game 5-0 than 1-0, so long as I wasn’t responsible for any of the 5 goals.
In a way, my apathy towards winning makes me callous towards my teammates. I’ve both won & lost with them. The only real difference I feel when winning is a slight boost to my ego, then watch as my teammates experience the ecstasy of achieving something they actually wanted. But when we lose, I just kinda go on with my day, only really stopping a moment to observe my teammates crying, feeling slight embarrassment from being associated with people crying at being second best, not because we’re second, but because something so inconsequential to me brought them to tears.
If I’m honest, I don’t really like that aspect about me. I don’t think it makes me cool, just cold. I realize it’s a defense mechanism to protect my self from disappointment. But this differing perspective has always created a divide between me and any team I’ve been a part of, poisoning any genuine sense of comradery I could hope to experience.
https://open.spotify.com/track/2bn2V0IgGxeXaNe9d69Kd5?si=-pDUaC_KSlyXkN_yyCyfiA
https://open.spotify.com/track/1vV2d8ykwUpi2m0eWwomuo?si=112TmP5LQtmizLDA1JuIJg
https://open.spotify.com/track/7BY005dacJkbO6EPiOh2wb?si=K2M795naSDGz5kwwClzv4w
https://open.spotify.com/track/57SDU0fLQmcxziVQMtc0SQ?si=JUN6NkhgQOuPC4IfvfXIYw
https://open.spotify.com/track/77EO1r2zdt5av4300tjCOQ?si=JnJt0fsYRQmeViZTgnlUzQ
♡Sugar☆World☮ 