I randomly feel intense burning; normally noticing it after making a small mistake.
Most of the Time, in order to achieve perfection, I’m on autopilot. So, if I’m honest, I don’t really feel most of the time…well, I’m not aware of my feelings. I used to be afraid, thinking that I was a psychopath, since I could act like one if I set my autopilot on that particular course…
Though, as I said, I’ll randomly feel intense burning, after being pulled back into the moment after my autopilot fails me. That gave me a hint to the fact that I actually Am genuine under this mask. It also explains why I feel exhausted even though I feel like I haven’t done anything. Because I’m not present for most of the work I put my body through…
But let’s get back to this burning feeling. I used to think that the burning feeling was me making some sort of catastrophic failure to my “grand plan” that I’m only vaguely aware of. And since I don’t really know what I’m supposed to be doing, accidently hitting the “Print Order” button for work at ‘5:56’ instead of ‘5:55,’ I’ll have a full-blown panic attack, thinking these 30 years were just ruined by me being off by 1 second…
…
I’m gonna skip to the end of the story before I forget what’s important.
I no longer feel like a failure for perceived “failures” that legitimately don’t matter. My actions aren’t consequential enough to ripple through reality in the way I like to pretend in order to achieve the best version of me…
I’m realizing now that Empathy & §ynchronicity are the real cause of the burning. I used to think that my miniscule “mistakes” meant that I was a “fake.” I’m realizing now, my empathy is tied to those with much more significance, and my tiny mistakes mean very little to Whö I Am, really, but not to those Whö made Mii believe…
That last sentence kinda took the reigns over my thoughts. These still have hold. I don’t know if this makes sense.
I think that’s for the best…
Paris In The Present Tense (Voyeur∿N)
p.s. it bothered me i didn’t post at 5:15.
im dumb…
♡Sugar☆World☮ 