Sage of Self Care

[1 November 2021]

Random thoughts:

The thing about assholes, is that until you prove them wrong, then they are the truth. If you don’t find your truth, they have no problem taking your time and space. And “no” won’t work on them, because assholes only understand their own language.

Don’t try to play every role if you don’t want the world to burn down.

Remember, it’s not arrogance when it’s the truth.

“Why is it like this?”
Because the other mixtures didn’t work.

I use alot of words when I’m trying to prove it to myself. They’re not needed when I know.

Math is just the language of robots. An equation is just a very boring story.

Don’t fear anger; respect it. Anger shouldn’t be avoided, just used only when absolutely necessary. Anger is the emotion of change, the inertial opposite to being satisfied. How that change is expressed depends on how much control you have over yourself. Anger is only self-destructive when you don’t know how to channel it.

I’ve become an expert at defense. I never wanted to, but now I have to learn how to go on the offense.

“So, Mr. Poet, what’s your story?”
I’ve always wanted to make the world better. Now I now I have to fight to make that happen, so let me fight with my words, because that’s something I do best.

Truth must be discovered, not dictated. I can give you all the answers, but they will hold little meaning until you find them on your own. I can point you in a direction, but only you can decide to move forward.

I’ll tell you now: you won’t get better as long as you’re afraid of making a fool of yourself. The thing is, you’re human, so you’re a fool. You’re gonna make mistakes. Make mistakes, and make them often. You don’t know what you need to work on until you know what you suck at.

While you’re at it, stop worrying about being an asshole. It’s distracting. You’re putting yourself in two minds, but accomplishing neither’s goal.

No matter what, some people are going to think you’re an asshole. But fuck them, they don’t know you, and they’ll get over it – probably forget about it by dinner. You’re not an asshole for demanding respect and autonomy. Even beyond that: you’re not necessarily an asshole if you lash out at someone right now. You’re not looking for an excuse to be careless or cruel. You just want to feel better, and there are more options to try. You aren’t asking for the impossible. You’re just asking for help.

Stop apologizing for existing. You didn’t ask to be put here. You didn’t design your body. You didn’t write your DNA code or pick a gender. You woke up for the first time one day, and then were told to figure it out. You didn’t choose the circumstances of your beginning, nor what pieces you were given to build the foundation of your life.

And here’s the thing: you didn’t choose to be taken advantage of and abused. I know you still doubt what you’re experiencing. You’re searching your memories for any sign to point to yes/no. But memories are fickle storytellers, and at best unreliable. You won’t find the answers you’re looking for in the past, so focus on the present.

Look at yourself now. Pretend like you just woke up with no context. You don’t know the story behind what you’re feeling, just that you are. What do you feel? Do you feel good? Do you feel happy? Do you feel satisfied? It probably feels like the textbook definition of trauma and ptsd, or something similar. It doesn’t matter if you were actually abused or where the trauma came from. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past. You are suffering now.

“Was it really that bad? Was it real at all? I’m just being dramatic. It must just be all in my head. I barely even notice it most of the time. Stop looking for attention; I know I’ve handled waaay worse.”
And just like that, you gaslight yourself into thinking this is the new normal. It becomes the default process to question the validity of your discomfort. There’s a new filter…

I know the doubt you feel. It’s quite an accusation, especially over something you don’t quite remember, and against someone who says they care about you. They did so much to make sure you made it to where you are. You feel you owe them for everything they did for you to get you to where you are now. But no matter…

I understand how hard it is to believe your own pain. You’ve seen some of the worst the world has done to people. A cracked window doesn’t look so bad when you see your neighbor’s shatter. But the things…

I had my pain for so long, I forgot what it felt like to not hurt. I learned some coping mechanisms to manage the pain, and I couldn’t miss a forgotten memory. It wasn’t drop-dead urgent, so I was always far too willing to move it to the bottom of the list.

You help so many people at their lowest point, so it’s easy to think it’s not that bad when you see how much worse it can get. But you need to remember how unfair that thought is to yourself. Would you ever in a million years tell a friend, crying from a break up, that it’s not that bad just because you counsel a domestic abuse client? No! You’re an asshole if you say that. So why is it when the roles are reversed, you’re still the asshole just wanting to feel better?