• True ego/self vs. False ego/self created by perception of ego/self
• Dissonance created by true ego/self and perception of ego/self
• Example of problem with parents: I’m not allowed to be angry at my parents (especially my mom). I feel like I’m a bad person for merely expressing myself. That’s why I shut them out when I feel depressed or angry, because if I tried to express myself, I would feel like I’m wrong for feeling how I’m feeling. Because of this, I reject my true self, and I resent my parents for making me feel that way.
• Pt. 2: since I’m not allowed to be angry towards them, I internalize my anger. Anger doesn’t just go away because I keep it in, it just turns into self hatred. That’s why I have to leave. There is so much I need to express, that any hindrance can quickly rebound into myself. Once I hit my limit, I become depressed and turn off my feelings because I know I need to stop feeling long enough to cool down. But when I’m at home, they keep trying to turn me back on before I’m ready, which makes me angry, and that anger is then internalized again. This process cycles until I reach my actual limit, and that’s when episodes like the one a few weeks ago happen, I know I physically can’t keep it in any longer, so instead of a slow pressure release, which my depression helps me accomplish, everything is released in one giant explosion. Luckily, I release it before I lose total control, which is why I’ve never hit my mom (with respect to my dad, I did not push him and my intention was not to hurt him. They were just trapping me, so I pushed off the wall to get passed them, and he just happened to fall on the stool.)
• Additionally, I stopped doing anything that could possibly lead to an argument. Even though my parents would most likely say yes to me going out or something, the possibility of an argument occurring stopped me from even asking. Since if an argument occured, I would have to repress my anger which would then internalize and turn into self hatred. However, because I was doing this subconsciously, I began to resent my parents, so anger was still being internalized, and my self hated grew anyways.
• The two times I’ve cut myself, I was furious with my parents. I got multiple releases when cutting myself: I was able to express my anger in a way that only hurt myself, punish myself since I was full of self hated and felt I deserved pain, and I got a rush of endorphins from the pain. These acted as mini releases before big explosions (the first time I cut myself about 2-4 before signing up for IOP, 2nd time was about 4-6 weeks before this recent episode)
• (Unrelated to previous points): the last time I remember enjoying making art was when I was in kindergarten where I used to draw “monsters” that were giant balls of scribbles made with multiple colors. I stopped when I felt like people were making fun of me for them. I wish I could find some old drawings. They might have been windows into my head and precursors to my anxiety, depression, and mania. I may have actually pursued a career in the arts if this has been encouraged rather than ridiculed, but that’s just conjecture.
♡Sugar☆World☮ 