Hey! It’s been pretty good. I’ve kinda just been polishing my writing.
How about you?
That’s good! Hope it’s going well.
My anxiety has been awful today and it makes me think about things that typically wouldn’t bother me.
That’s an awful feeling. It’s terrible when logically you know it shouldn’t affect you, but the feeling just won’t go away.
Is there anything specifically bothering you?
So remember our conversation about closure when I said that I wished more people walked away from relationships with your perspective instead of choosing bitterness?You probably already know this because of the amount of times I reached out to you (lol), but I really don’t do well when there’s no closure or peace.I know that a lot of my upbringing influences that, but if I’m not at least on civil terms with someone that once meant a lot to me it’ll eat at me. I say all of that because I want you to have more context before I got into what’s bothering me… part of me feels like I have to defend it because I feel some amount of shame for being troubled by it.
Anywho. I think you know that at one point I dated ( ). We were together for 3 years and ultimately I broke up with him for a myriad of reasons and I am still very happy and content with that decision. BUT things ended very nasty. It didn’t start that way, we were acquaintances up until the point he started dating another girl. Almost two years ago, I had reached out saying I hoped he was doing well. Which at that point was in our relationship was quite normal.
He responded by saying “you repulse me.” Then his new girl started texting me things that were honestly the worst things anyone has ever said to me. She didn’t know me at all, but ( ) had told her every single one of my insecurities and in these texts she used them against me.
I blocked the numbers and refused to respond, but they kept getting new numbers and sending me more and more messages. This went on for days, I was scared to even touch my phone then finally Markel stepped in and said if they didn’t stop that we would have to file for harassment. I haven’t talked to him since then and usually I’m fine with that, but sometimes I’m overwhelmed at the idea that things ended so poorly and if something ever happened to one of us that is how our story would end. I just can’t shake that thought. I know reaching out is not the solution, I need to find peace with not having peace and I don’t know what that looks like, ya know?
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. That you’re going through that now.
I empathize with the despair and powerlessness felt. I never experienced such confrontation, but fear of it alone kept me on hold for years.
Before I go any further: know that you aren’t wrong for anything you’ve done or what you’re feeling.All relationships have a foundation of trust, and a responsibility to keep that trust even after the relationship is over.
He should have never shared your insecurities in the first place, but to continually harass you is cruel and disgusting. It says nothing about you and everything about him. Your kindness was met with his immaturity and insecurity.
Anxiety and depression are birthed from the guilt we feel for lying to ourselves. It is our body’s response to the mind’s rejection of its carnal desires and fears. The cure isn’t to indulge in these desires and fears, but merely to acknowledge and accept their existence.
One of the poems I’ve been working on might help. As I’ve been rereading it, I’ve noticed it’s not about me coming to terms with hattie, but rather coming to terms with myself. It was how I was able to expell those insecurities and anxieties, and replace them with acceptance and inner peace.
Ey3 appreciate Ü listening & not shaming me for feeling a certain way. It means a lot. Your poem is beautiful. Last night I felt inspired by all the writing you’ve shared with me and attempted to write something of my own. Hahah I need a lot of practice!
♡Sugar☆World☮ 